Still True

"Even when I get attention from other ladies, all I can think of is you. Good Grief."
- Me, Twitter, November 3, 2009.

Well, even though this time it was some lady I didn't know. Even though she was bare ass naked and face first in my crotch. Even though she was tryin' to be all sexy like...I was disappointed. Because it wasn't you.

Fuck.

(Yes it was a stipper that's not the point.)

Fresh start

I deleted that last post because it's bullshit.

I'm going to take life in stride. I'm going to be happy that the girl I love cares about me enough to stay in my life. I'm going to try to be a better person. I'm sick of being sick.

Let's do this right.

Probably don't read this.

I miss you so much. It hurts to badly when I have to go to bed alone. All I want is to see your face when I wake up. To hear your voice when I go to sleep, to feel your warmth as I drift. It kills me. The nights are so hard for me. I love spending time with you, I love making you laugh. I can't seem to tear myself from you because I'm afraid you'll forget me. You'll up and leave me. I know it's not true. I know I'm only hurting things. But it hurts so much, I just have to be near you somehow. Even if it's not perfect anymore. Even if I know for 100% sure what I am to you, if I know "my place". I just need to be near you.

I wish I could do right by you. I wish I could have made it so I didn't mess it up. I'm sorry. I'd do anything. Anything at all. I swear it.

I dread the day when a boy (or maybe girl?) comes into your life. It'll kill me. Not that I want you to put it off on my account. I've wanted you to be happy since day one. It'll just hurt. But I think you can understand that. After all, you are one of the most understanding, caring, amazing...ah...best people I know. (Had to cut myself off there).

But I know this is all in vain. There's nothing you can do, nothing I can do. So I just sit here cold and broken and wonder to myself...do you miss me at all?

I hate the fall

Sometimes, I can smile and laugh because the last year of my life has been so amazing. So storybook and perfect...

and then I break down again and hate myself.

Welcome to my life.

Hey Soul Sister - Train

I can't get this fucking song out of my head and it's starting to piss me off. I mean, for fuck's sake.

So, this last week sucks. And it hurts more than anything else I've ever been through. Whatareyougonnado though? Nothing. Just work through it.

You know what? It's not even worth it to talk about. I am sorry Internet.

Sometimes - Skillet

...And now, not only do I not feel well in a few different ways, IE is being suck a raging cockhead that my entire post that I had written is gone.

I'm done.

The way you move ain't fair, you know

I decided tonight that I want a webcam. I'm not sure why. I have no way of justifying it. I just want one. There's one for 30 bucks at best buy.

No, I didn't buy it. Yet.

I've been on and off working on studying for a big ole Philosophy test that's tomorrow. I legit spent at least an hour and a half creepin' my girlfriend's old pictures. I'm trying to decide if I think she's hotter with long brown hair or short black hair. I still don't know. I guess that means that I don't care much cos I think they both look good.

Ohmygod I am going to fail this test so hard. Arg. I hate tests so much. I don't prep well for them. And that's not because I'm too ADD to do so (well, partially.) They're kind of subjective though, you know? Maybe I think something else is important to know, but that's not what my prof thinks. I would rather write a paper on something. That...okay, so that might have to do with the Ease of Bullshit factor. It's about six million times easier to bullshit a paper. Maybe though, just maybe that's because I'm a Philosophy major.

I will not make an entire post about my girlfriend agin.
Funny how she's really the only thing I have to talk about.

Oh, here's an interesting note, um...Jimmy Eat World is goddamn amazing in concert. Future self, make sure you see them again if you get the chance. Jizz worthy at worst. Dizzy? For Me This is Heavan? 23? How do you top a setlist with those songs? Not even Param-...Nevermind. Okay, one band can top it but still. Man.

Ohhh I just downloaded some editing software. yay being a nerd!

You know, I'm such a nerd, but yet I'm not nerdy enough for a job at a game store? The hell man, the hell.

I need a new jooooobbbbbbbbbb. Fuuuuuccckkk.
Dear boss, if you are reading this, and if you find out which of your employees this is...FIRE ME. I hate you and you are a dirty, rotten, smelly cunt that can do the job quality of an autistic 3 year old. Wait, no, he could do it better. I guess what I am saying is that I don't much care for you.

My legs are all sore and achy from sitting for so long. But I have M&Ms so that makes it better. #waitwut #goddamnitthisisnttwitter

Well then. I think I have blagged hard enough. I'm sure I have more to say, but, again, I'm too ADD to do anything. I even brough up the Social Interview feature on facebook. Man, that shit is OLD.

Happy Emily?

My Best Theory

For the last 10 and a half months, I've been the luckiest person on the planet. It sucks being away from the person I love the most, even for a short period of time. (Though, I'm doing a lot better in handling it.)

Sometimes, It's hard to believe that my life is so put togehter, even when it feels like it's falling apart. Which, actually, isn't super often nowadays. It's weird when I have these "When I have kids I can do this" thoughts. I had trained myself to hate kids, to never want them, because I never thought I'd get the chance to have them. It was a defense mechanism. Oh, no one wants to be with me for a long time? Well fine, I don't want to build a life with anyone. We can rent apartments and shit. So that way, when I get let down about the relationship, I don't actually lose anything.

It's just funny how things change based only on this gut feeling. Maybe I don't not want kids. I want to own our own house with a full basement and plenty of land to run around on. I want to settle down and get married...maybe.

I want to be lucky for the rest of my life.

Stuck on you

I really have an idea for a music video. I mean, I don't have the proper tools or actors or editing equipment or anything. But I have a vision. It's pretty neat. At least, I think Emily would like it.

Speaking of her, I've been in a few relationships in my life. Obviously, most of them didn't work out. It's just nice waking up in the morning and looking at Emily first thing. It's nice hanging out with her and playing games, or even staying silent. I'm grateful that I can be in a relationship as me for once. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but in all of my other relationships, there has been something preventing me from being me, 100%. And that sucks. But with Emily...it's just so different. I don't have to pretend to not like music that I like. I don't have to try to hide me being an occasional blazing retard. I can e-fed all I want. I can fuck around on photoshop and be a general e-nerd, and she doesn't care. (I thinks he likes me leaving her alone. I'm kind of like a little kid.) I also don't have to try to buy her love (which...doesn't stop me from buying her things.)

Its just nice being comfortable in my own skin. It's nice knowing that I can let my guard down all the way and still be loved. It's nice actually having someone tell me they think I'm good looking. I think one of my ex-flings/girlfriends/whatever ever told me that. One. I think. I could be wrong. That was...what, 8 years ago? Fuck. I'm old.

I think one of the best things about having Emily around is that when my birthday does finally roll around, she's not going to turn into some deprived, attention-seeking pshyco (fuck you 'pshy' words. you can suck it. AKA i can't spell.)

Everything is just comfortable. It's hard to believe that this time last year I was in the middle of one of my worst depression bouts ever. And a year and a month ago this gorgeous brunette with awesome headphones caught my attention...and you know what they say about the rest, it's history. I'm not going to bore anyone on the Internet with details...mostly because no one on the internet is going to read this. Also, I think if I bring up last fall one more time Emily is going to shank me.

Someday, though, I'll have to provide some sort of time table. Cos that's how I roll. God knows how many little blogs/notes/diary things I lost when my computer went down. It's really sad. Which is why, for some reason, I'm relying on the internet to keep all this. But, no offense Internet, but I can't really open up to you the same way I can open up to my hard drive. I mean, if someone reads my stuff on my hard drive, they're snooping. If someone reads this blog post that the ENTIRE INTERNET can see...well, they're probably stalking me. (Hi Joel and Blake!). I would laugh if one of them found this. I'd peg Joel first, mostly cos he's my little hacker buddy.

Anyway Internet, I work in the morning. Time for some sleep before Emily comes home and I can't sleep anymore.

Lazy review

It was a hot August 14th, 2010...but it was a fucking good one.

Kadawatha. I had no idea who this band was. (Apparently they're from Sweden.) I would definitely look into them. At least, I will when I stop being lazy. They were pretty elecric. You could tell that they loved what they were doing, and they really appreciated the fans that were there to see them. So that was cool. They had some sweet moves too. Like, coreographed. During the last song, they were laying down and playing. That's awesome. They had on little uniforms too. Like, the guitarist that was in front of me had red designs on his shirt and red shoes. The drummer had purple designs and purple shows. And so on. It was sweet.

New Found Glory. You know, you'd think I'd know more of these guys. I don't. But they were damn good. Emily got all their autographs too. So that's sweet. They put on a really energetic, crowd involving show. They even pulled two kids on stage and played a request song. Like, let the kids play the song with them and they sang it. That was super awesome. Mad props to them for doing that. I creeped Hayley on the side of the stage. She was starin' at Chad so hard I thought he'd burst into flame.

Tegan and Sara. I...don't really care for their music. I just don't. I mean, it's not bad. I just don't like it. I tried some time ago, but just couldn't get into it. They were adorable though, they had that going.

Paramore. The moment I was waiting for. At this point, I was drenched in sweat (well, I was after Kadawatha, it was hot out.) I was also about 10 feet from the stage. So that's really exciting. When the announcer said that Paramore was coming out, a large black curtian fell down over the stage. The band came out and played some opening riffs while lights silohetted (I can't spell that shut up) the band. Then they broke into Ignorance and it was awesomely amazing for the next hour and a half. Hayley and Josh did an acoustic version of "You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take My Man.) Hayley does country pretty good. Did I mention that Josh was set up on the right hand side of the stage? My left hand side? The side I was on?



Unless, of course, you count the drunk prick that was ruining the show for everyone around me. Look, I want to be near the stage too. Who doesn't want to be near the stage at a concert? But knocking people over, having a general disregard for anyone else there and, to top it off, spinning your girlfriend around in the crowd? You're an asshole. So much so, that I wanted to leave. I wasn't having fun anymore...then I found a security guard. Let's just say that the people that I was standing by for most of the night probably enjoyed the show a lot more from then on out.

All in all, it was an amazing, amazing show. I got two shirts. Because I'm a Para-lady-of-the-night. Unfortunately, after the HCT, they're off the Europe...but I fulling plan on seeing Paramore again. And again. And again.

I'm saying something that I should have never thought.

I'm so fucked tomorrow. I'm so tired, but I won't sleep because I'm not at work and I don't have to.

I keep thinking back to a time when I stayed up, getting to know Paramore, and refreshing Facebook because I had no idea when I was going to get to talk to someone. Back when I read MLIA everyday, LOLcats, and before Cheezburger had a crazy ass network. Back before F my life disappeared and TFLN surfaced.

I can't believe that was almost a year ago. A year ago when I just wanted to die. I literally considered it. What else did I have? Nothing. What do I have now? Everything. And it's weird, because the one person that I needed the most...is gone. I thought I needed her more than anything. I thought that somehow, some way, she'd save me. But in the end, it was her that was killing me. My saviour wasn't her, but I did find her. It's just crazy. I can almost feel that broken-hearted, not-wanting-to-be-hopeful-but-am-still-falling-way-too-hard feeling in my chest. It's like it never left. I guess I can only feel that feeling so many times before I remember what it's like to be up at 3am with the soft hum of a computer the only thing that's constant in your life.

But that feeling is gone. I don't need to be broken hearted. Sure, I'm sad sometimes. I feel like a failure, a useless fuck up. I'm not sure I can ever get that to stop. But I'm almost 22 (scary), I own my own house, I have awesome pets, cool friends, and the best girlfriend I could ever wish for. So, despite the tasteless drama, my stupid insecurities, a job I utterly loathe, and overall petty things that try to drag me down...I'm sitting pretty well for someone that's barely scraping by in college. Things change, and sometimes, it's not for the worst.

I think there's something about the change of the season that makes me nostolgic. I know it's still summer, but it's a cool, quiet, fall-smelling (don't judge) night, and I couldn't love it more.

And now, part of a segment I'm working on for Ex-pe-dub. Or, one I'm being over-zealous about writing cos I don't even know that I get to write it yet. I just have ideas.

[Scrambled feed]
[Zoom in on a segment in progess]


**A chorus of boos as Ant gazes into the crowd. Zack bounces on the bottom rope yelling at fans while Kenua stares death rays. Omen sits in the corner, watching**

Ant: You people can't see a good thing when it's happening. You're all a buncha morons! The XWO is going to give the XPW a shot in the ass and wake it up. It's been sleeping for way too long. And for all of you idiots who are talkin' shit like you own the place...

**Ant grins as he, of course, owns the place**

Ant: ... Why don't you shut your yaps before we have to do it for you. To all of you boys in the back, the Tournament of Chaos was just an example...NO ONE can stop the XWO!

**The crowd boos more as the XWO soaks it in. You Make Me Sick by Egypt Central hits and the crowd whips into a frenzy**

Sal: My god! It's Torch! What the hell is he doing here?

**Torch walks onto the stage and soaks in the massive cheers for a moment before focusing his full attention on the XWO. He makes his way down the ramp and around the ring to grab and mic before entering. He switches his gaze between all four members of the XWO. Torch looks tense as he stares into the mouth of the lion. The crowd dies down so he can speak.**

Torch: You know, it's funny...how these things turn out.

Ant: Yeah? You got jokes funny man? What's your business down here? Shouldn't you be in a nursing home somewhere?

Torch: Cute. Coming from a man who's about a rusty as I am, with about half as much talent as I have, I think it's ironic that you're badgering me about being an oldtimer.

**Ant snarls as the crowd pops. The XWO draws closer behind Ant as the two former champions stare each other down.**

Torch: But, since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you why I'm down here. See, I've always respected you Ant. Your firocity and your knack for business situations...you're a natural. Until now that is. You're fixing the XPW? How? That's like Bill Gates coming to your house and pissing in the hard drive of your computer, you know, to make it work better. No, wait, I've got it. That's like Bill Gates coming out with Windows Vista in an attempt to...wait, he did that, that it failed just like this will.

Ant: Oh yeah tough guy? You think you're so smart huh? What are you going to do about this?

Torch: Right, right. No one can stop you. I forgot.

** Torch steps closer to Ant which makes the other three members of the XWO tense up, ready to fight. Ant looks like he's ready to knock Torch's head off, as he's got both hands balled in a tight fist. Torch smirks and lowers his eyebrows. He looks sinister.**

Torch: Have you ever fought against nature, Anthony? You have, and you've lost. No one can beat nature...no one can win against the elements.

**The crowd pops with an electic anticipation as Ant cocks his head to the side, unsure. Kenua and Omen's eyes dart around the arena as Zack stays focused on The Silent Assassin.**

Ant: Quit talkin' poetry you fuckin' sissy boy. What are you talking about.

**Torch smiles at Ant for a moment before the lights cut out. The crowd screams in pitch black silence. Finally, Cold (But I'm Still Here) By Evans Blue hits and the crowd errupts into cheers once again. The lights come up to show The Elements Redefined, Torch and 3 Dogg standing in the ring, side by side. The XWO made a break for the outside of the ring and glares at the two men. The crowd is going absolutely wild at the sight of Torch and 3 Dogg in the ring together once again.**

Torch: You don't think anyone can stop you, Ant? You're dead wrong. I don't care if there's three, four, sixteen, a hundred of you fuckers...you cannot beat the Elements. No one has, and no one will!

** The crowd pops as Torch hands the mic to 3 Dogg who smiles and scans the crowd.**

3 Dogg: Check it holmes...we ain't the ER that can save you...but we can send you to one that will. Woof Woof...

**3 Dogg throws the mic in the air as the crowd chants "Mother Fucker" to finish the catchphrase.**

[static]
[back to reality]

Well that was fun. It's time for bed. I'm sleepy. And it's getting harder to not screw up typing.

Put the dick in their mouth so I guess it's fuck what they say (Bad Company Edition)

I need to figure out the pros and cons of two shifts at work. So, excuse me for a moment.

Pros of 1st shift:
I'm done before noon (AKA holy shit fuck the lunch rush)
Don't have to deal with the pizza sales
Don't have to deal with dollar days quite as much (AKA holy shit fuck the lunch rush 2.0)
3-4 hours of mostly peace and quiet
Scotty is hell of awesome
Goes by faster
I get to set the tone for the day (not clean up someone else's mess)
Extra dollar an hour

Cons:
Fucking busy as of late
More time with the boss
First shifters suuuuccckkkk
I miss the boys on second shift
I have zero-point-zero chance of maintaining a social life
I am tired all the time
I have to be up at freaking 1:40am
I have to be in bed, at the latest, by 9. (AKA I'm a night owl)
Sally. 'Nuff said.
My lady may or may not be working a second shift job now
Glazer and Cake Donut sales.
Having only one day off at a time means that I only get to sleep in for awhile on that day, cos I have to be in bed early.

I still don't know. I'm going to need to know soon though.

In other news, Paramore in 15 days. #hahahawooo #shutuplady #PARAMORE #!!!!!

The Soapbox gets it's turn

Okay, let's try a little sum sum.

I'm disappointed in pretty much everyone I know. I can think of...let's see, my girlfriend, a coworker, my buddy and his girlfriend...that I'm -not- disappointed in.

Two of my coworkers are having affairs. No, four. Four people in a 20-something staffed store. Plus one of my friends is cheating on her boyfriend. That's kind of a lot. I don't get it. One of my coworkers said to me the other day "Life's better when you're being unfaithful."

She said that about one of the guy's that's allegedly being unfaithful to his wife (that he's been married to for barely a year.) She's also been more or less cheating on her husband for a good...oh, I don't know, 3 years. This time, though, she's got a "real" boyfriend. She's called him her boyfriend.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Have they lost their minds? I can't believe anyone would utter that sentence. And I think the reason it's got me so frustrated is because she wasn't just kidding when she said it. She was at least half serious. Between these two and the skanks that are also working with me, I can't...I just have a new appreciation for fucking hating that place. I hate it so much, it makes my blood boil. I need to get out of there. Fuck the money, fuck these 'friends' i have there. I don't care. I never cared. On a basis of morals alone (morals, which I might add, I believe most people just HAVE. But apparently I was wrong about that.), I can't be around these people.

Sometimes, I have a really hard time stomaching people who cheat. People who have cheated. The thing that gets me is that they don't -care-. They don't seem to give a shit about anyone but them. Look out for number one right? Maybe if there was some hint of remorse, some...some glimmer that they actually were consious of what was happening...no, no that would make it worse. Because they they would realize how shitty of a person they were, and they still wouldn't care. Because, shit, they're getting laid twice over. Life's better when you're unfaithful. Give me a fucking break. Go fuck yourself. Honestly. Don't say that to me, not once not ever. If I ever cheated on my lady, I would loathe the very being I was. If I felt that I needed to cheat on her to be happy, I think I would do some serious re-evaluating of our relationship before I just went on my merry way and fucked someone else.

Maybe these situations don't disappoint me. Maybe they burn my ass like getting throw into a firepit. That's fine though, because the more of those people I hate, the easier it is to leave. And goddamn fuck that place. Fuck my boss, fuck my coworkers (most of them), and fuck all the immoral bastards that have all of a sudden sprung fourth from their slumber to turn the world into a more incredibly unsable and disgusting place for all those that inhabit it.

And am I the pinnicale of morals and virtue? Am I some shimmering angel with a halo and soft, beautiful music that plays when I approach? No. I'm not. And I never will be. But what I am getting at is that...for fuck's sake, have some general compassion and give-a-shit about your fellow beings. Your fucking husbands and wives. You remember, the people you promised to love and hold through rich and poor til death do you part? The person that, and one point, you were so in love with that you wanted to be with them for the rest of your life, have a house and maybe some kids? Build a fucking future around? Seriously. If you want to get out, get out. If you want to sleep with whoever you want, then go. Who cares who you sleep with...if you're not married.

I just....it drives me nuts right now. Maybe it's because I'm balls ass tired. Maybe it's because there's a deep stream of paranoia that's always splashing up against the boulders in my mind. Maybe that's why I'm getting so worked up about it.


And the thing is, I'm not all that worked up about it. I'm just disappointed in these people. They're supposed to be better than that. I had more faith in them. But I guess that's why they call it unfaithful. They don't deserve my faith and, apparently, they never did.

There are more. I'm disappointed in my friends because they never call. Promises fall to the side of the road like a peice of trash. It's unimportant. I realize working at 2am has it's downfalls for my social life, but it would be nice to know that my friends care about me too. Not just the special one that everyone loves more than me. He's the glimmering statue of a person. I'm his shadow. And it sucks because I don't resent him. I've always been in his shadow. Everyone loves him and, hey I'm always there and I don't totally suck so why not. But whatever. I've lived almost 22 years of my life on my own. I don't need anyone.

That's a goddamn lie.

Then there's the blonde angel of death and distruction. Obliterating (hey, remember that word?) everything in her path. Then building it up and tearing it all down again because, why the fuck not.

Hey, in case I never get to say this because you decide when we are and aren't talking...fuck you. Yeah, no really. You've been a thorn in my side for the last 3 years, ever since we broke up (which you finally admit to because someone made you.) Ever since my lady and I became who we are now, you've been nothing but a bitch to me and to her. And you know what, I've realized something (which she will no doubt get blamed for). You've always been a self-centered, condescending, controlling, manical, self-rightious little princess. You try not to be. You try so hard because you care so much what other people think. But you are, you can't escape it. But you're putting in a noble effort in trying.

*sigh* I'm not as mad as I sound. I'm disappionted in the world. And you're so easy to take it out on because you're the Ice Queen for a reason and, hey, what did I fuck up this week. You wonder why I get so defensive around you. Think about it. You're intelligent, I wish I could say you were a fucking moron, but you're not. You're smarter than most of the people I know. Maybe that's why you come off so condescending half the time.

I just want life to be simple. Remember that? Remember when I was like, 17 and life was good and simple? That sucked. I'm generally happier now because of where I am, and who I am. I've fought to becomes someone good. Someone worth knowing, someone worth wasting time on and liking. Maybe that's why The Lady has wasted so many months on me already. I don't know. Maybe people aren't lying to me. Maybe I don't suck.

So is this a list of disappointments or a fuck you letter or a break down a realize who you are blog? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. No one's going to read this. The Lady probably doens't even check this anymore.

Because, you know, I always commit. Which is funny, since I'm supposed to be so loyal.

I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry I'm disappointed in all of you. Mostly, I'm sorry you all gave me something to be disappointed about.

Goodnight.

Tell me how, I've lost my power

I really, really want to write something. Like, holy crap my muse is going crazy and just wants to write. Write all night. Write something brilliant and poetic and beautiful. Maybe I'll write something to my love, or maybe I'll write a nasty letter to the people that have disappointed me or have upset me lately. Maybe I'll become Torch (I say become like I don't live to be him) or maybe 3 Dogg. Torch is easier for me, though (which makes sense). Maybe I'll have fun with crazy, off the wall Dey Dey, or warm up with Shaun Andrews.

Or maybe...just maybe, I'll let my muse slip away with a single gust of wind. Maybe I'll treat it as if it's a small, insignificant bead of sweat on my forehead, pushing to get to the surface and make a small difference. And as soon as a small breeze picks up and brushes my skin, it begins to grow weaker. Before I can do anything to wipe it away, and make something of a valid use of it...

It's gone.

I could really use a wish right now

I'm going to update this thing more now that my desktop is done being an asshole.

Maybe.

Let's be honest, I have the commitment level of a paper weight. I always want to, and I think about doing stuff all the time. Like at work I'm all the time like "this would make a good promo" or like "I should write that in my blog".

But then i come home and sleep and be lazy.

it's what i do.

One month until Paramore. I'm excited.

Maybe I don't suck.

I had a long, drawn out blag I wanted to throw at you, blogger. But I don't want to.

I had a promo-prototype I wanted to write, but I didn't.

I don't know why. I always have these great ideas in my brain but then...I just stop caring. Just like Torch did. Just like 3 Dogg and Dey Dey did. And exactly like Shaun Andrews did.

It's what I do.

Disappear.

The neighbors are mowing our lawn

I really wish I was less inclined to play follow the leader with my life. Maybe then I wouldn't have failed out of school this semester and I wouldn't dissapoint everyone all the time.

I can only be assured that it's going to be okay so many times. I know it's going to be okay...I think. I just hate how everything turned out this time. I screwed up big time. And I feel like shit about it. If only my dad knew that I wasn't being honest with him.

I hate moving. We have to be more or less completely moved by tomorrow. Then I have to deal with idiot property management companies and whatnot. I should try to move our internet now.

Sentiment of the day: [In the fashion of a B-side Seether song that I cant remember the name of (fail)] Fuck.

Rubix cube.

I really, really want to write a story. A short one, because I am unable to create and hold a plot for a long period of time.

Oh well.

It's storming. Finally.

You know how sometimes you meet someone...and everything just...it just works. It's so effortless. Like a friend once said to me 'when it's easy...that's when you know.'

It also kind of sucks because when you find that person that works so well, you seem to not know what to do with yourself when they're gone. Even if it's just for a day.

I'm kind of special like that.

I really want to try writing something. I feel like my muse is thrashing around, trying to get free. I need to get creative. Maybe I'll write a song...

That's funny. I'm going by way of writing jokes. I'm no lyricist.

What the most likely senario is, is that I'll be online for awhile. Listen to the storm. Be maybe minorly freaked out by the storm. And then promptly pass out so I can go to work in...7 hours. I like my new position, don't get me wrong, but the sleep schedule is a little annoying.

I hate going to bed before 2.
That is counter-productive if I want to be to work on time.

I don't think my dog likes the thunder. He seems to be extra clingy right now. I'm sure one of my cats is cowering somewhere.

Perhaps they'd be used to storms if it stormed here once and awhile. I can go back to being afraid of storms if it means they'll come.

I really just want to move, like now.
Christ.

I stole this webcam from my girlfriend. My computer isn't buying it. I should probably update my drivers. Or something.

I really hate how jealous I am. Especially when I have no reason to be jealous. I hope I don't turn into one of those douchey guys that flips shit everytime my ladyfriend looks in the direction of another guy.
I think I'd shoot myself.

My dad called me yesterday. He asked me if he could move to a city, about 45 minutes away. He's so silly.

I need money. Really bad. Hello raises at work, don't fail me now.

My girlfriend is an assybutt smarmasaur. She knows why.
This also isn't the first time that she's internet creeped me. <3.

Do pixie sticks go bad? I mean, it's just sugar. It's sealed too. Huh.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Mario Party 3

It's really hot outside. I usually get crabby when it's so hot and humid. Good thing I put in the air conditioning that isn't technically mine. Dude guy doesn't need it anydangway. Maybe I'll get to keep it. (I doubt it.)

My roommate just put my laundry in my room for me. Win.

Yesterday was my 6 month with my girlfriend. I got her a promise ring. She seemed to really like it even though she isn't the ring type. It makes me really happy to see her wear it. Even though it's just a promise ring, and not an engagement ring, it makes me really happy. I like it. I love her.

She bought be tickets to see Paramore and a rubix cube because the tickets didn't come on time. Also a really sweet card.

It's awesome that I've been in this relationship so long and I feel so comfortable. I mean, we're buying a trailer together. (God, that sounds so trashy. I wish it didn't.) Of course, now that I've said this, something bad will happen.

I'll probably die a little.

That's really emo. I guess it's kind of supposed to be. Becuase that's how I'd feel. Dead inside. I don't want to feel that way again. I can't afford to feel that way again. If I felt that way again, I feel that I wouldn't make it out as the same person I am now. I barely made it out with any sanity at all this last time.

I can't afford to lose her. I've put way too much faith, too much love into her. (That sounds bad.)

So. I don't think I'll let her go. (that also sounds bad. In a creepy way.)

Oddly enough, I don't think she'd let me go either. (I'd be cool if she stalked me. It's what I really wanted in the begining anyway.)

My blag is getting weird. I blame the heat.

So tired hurrk

Currently listening to Heart Shaped Box by Evanescence (yes, Evanesence not Nirvana)
Current thought: Yawn.

Every time I manage to hear something about Lady Gaga, I think part of me dies. I don't think I'm the only one.

My cat decided he wanted to be on my lap right now. I think that was because it was inconvenient to me.

I love my cats.

I read something yesterday about communicating with them telepathically. I feel like that would be totally cool, to get into the mind of my cats.
I also feel that it's totally batshit crazy worthy. I don't believe this can work. But, it's cool to think about. Lots of things are cool to think about though.

Know what's really cool to think about? I own my own place now. Except I don't have all the dollars for it.

Awesome.

I'm addicted to Craigslist

So, I've decided that I'm going to kind of review the Seether/Five Finger Death Punch/Hell Yeah/Drowning Pool/Lacuna Coil show I went to last night.

Disappointments of the night: Missing Lacuna Coil/My lack of nerve.
Surprises of the night: Five Finger Death Punch

Once my girlfriend and I rolled into Lacrosse, things were peachy. Still following the directions from Google map, we went around a giant building and had no idea where the venue was. And that's when I saw Shaun Morgan, Seether's vocalist, standing on the sidewalk talking to some chick. Just...chillin'. So, naturally, I didn't want to go meet the dude of one of my favorite bands ever. No, it makes far more sense to walk the OTHER way and yell at my girlfriend while she's trying to figure out why I'm so freaked out and not getting his autograph. (It's because I'm afraid that meeting celebrities could ruin them for me. What if Shaun is a massive tool? Seether would be ruined.)

So, anyway. When we walked in, Drowning Pool was almost set up. I didn't check the time when I strolled in, but I later found out that Lacuna Coil opened and we missed them. (Thank you 173 detour that put us back.) So, that was disappointing. But, onward.

Drowning Pool was okay. They did a few songs off of Sinner, the band's first album. I don't know what DP has been doing lately, really. I haven't listened to them since Sinner. I do know that the original lead singer died. In Milwaukee. And, if I remember, it's because he choked on his own vomit. Not pretty. And I totally get and appreciate the homage that could be paid in-show to him. But...there's a certian point where it's not homage paying and it's more "Hey remember that guy that you all loved but died well I like him too so like me and don't hate us!" That's what I got off of the singer. It was getting annoying. But, for what it's worth, they did Bodies amazingly. It was awesome.

After Drowning Pool we found a place to sit, because I didn't know two of the bands and I was sick of standing. And there was no way I was going down to the pit. I care far too much for the safety of my minutely fragile girlfriend. Also, I bloody hate drunks.

So Hell Yeah set up. And...well, I don't know Hell Yeah. I've never listened to them before. But I like some death metal from time to time so, what the hell, right?

I was so bored during their set. So. Bored. I was half asleep really. The people in the pit seemed to enjoy it, because he screamed and they could mosh and crowd surf. Wee. The singer was crouched near the front of the stage almost the whole time.

So, after the disappointment that was Hell Yeah, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get a bite to eat. We had an hour before Seether took the stage. (This was after I realized and begrudgingly accepted that we missed Lacuna Coil.)

Five Finger Death Punch took the stage. From their intro, I was already interested. They had a strong intro, a strong first song (a strong 10 or so songs if I'm honest.) This guy really knew how to play the crowd. He had an amazing stage presence. I could understand him at times! At one point, he enouraged the fans to crowd surf up to him and shake his hand. It was pretty awesome. I'd love to see these guys headline. I would definitely go see them again. I might even have to check out some of their stuff. A+ for FFDP. Except at the very end when there was a mic problem or something and dude guy got all angry cos like, 3 or 4 mics weren't working. I still think they cut him off. Lame.

Ah, Seether. I love me some Seether. I consider myself a Seether concert veteran. I've seen them at a fair, as an opener, and, finally, as a headliner. I must say they just get better each time. It kind of sucks for Seether to follow Five Finger Death Punch because Shaun doesn't engage the crowd like the other guy did. Shaun loves to play music, that much is blatantly obvious. If you love rock music, and love to listen and thrash around...Seether is a good band. If you want to be engaged a lot, hear stories and bullshit, then their not. I, personally, wish Shaun would engage the crowd a little more, but that doesn't take away from the over all act to me. Shaun just seems a little more introverted to me. I would be the same way if I had thousands of people staring at me and judging my every move and sound.

Seether puts on a great music show, period. I will go and see them time and time again because I have a genuinely good time and their shows. It helps that Shaun is one of those guys who thanks the crowd a lot. To me that says "I'm sorry I'm kind of afraid of people but I appreciate you coming out here to see me and feed me and my daughter."

Oh and, Remedy? Seether's single off of Karma and Effect? Always the last song. Always flawless.

Gettin' dollaz is hard to do.

So, I couldn't really lay off of the fact that I have a blog again. Aside from being neurotic all day, it was like "woah, what am I, 15 again?" But, it feels different than it did before. Like, something that I needed to do quite some time ago.

I used to write little notes to myself on my computer. Little vauge ramblings with lyrics as titles that summed up the feel of the document. And it was satisfying...to a point. It was like venting to someone that was listening, and listening intently, but all you got in return was "mhm." and "oh. yeah. wow." and "Yeah? Then what?" It was only partially satisfying, partially fulfilling.

There's something about the interbutt that kind of takes that away. Something that says "Oh yeah? Wow. So, when that happened did you punch him in the face? Cos I will if you didn't." Something that responds, a certain kind of life that accompanies it. Regardless of the fact that people may or may not find it.

If I'm being real with myself, I only want one person to find it. She will. Because she's smart. And, by the time she reads this post, how ever old it may be when she finally sees it, she'll grin. Because she knows exactly who she is.

No, if I wanted more people to find it, I would have made a Tumblr. That's what all the cool kids are using these days, right? I'm not that cool. Rather, I'm far too private of a person to want everyone to find me.

By morning, I will have linked this account to Facebook and Twitter and everything else I've ever been on because I love attention more than I like to believe.

I hate myself for it.

I'm a born American from a small city. The quiet kid in the back of the class. When I get attention I roll in it like my dog does a clean towel. Otherwise, I just ride the wave because I can't possibly catch attention that I don't need. I'm far too self-hating to chase attention.

I feel like this is more bloggy than I wanted for my first official blog back. Better make it a good one, though.

I lost my train of thought. I get on a roll when I just let myself type, because then everything just comes out. That's how I speak best too. I just...let go. Detach from reality and let my body and my mind and whatever else control what I'm saying, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking.

I'm sitting here in my too quiet living room, watching my totally exhasuted girlfriend sleep on the couch next to what is, undeniably, her dog. I'm thinking that if I would have started this, say, 7 months ago, I would have linked to it all over Facebook, all over Twitter. I would have blogged about this gorgeous green-eyed girl in my classes and how I just wanted to talk to her. Anything to get her attention. I feel, though, that things wouldn't have worked out the same way as they did. She would have been scared off. No person wants to hear about some phsycotic stalker that watches them from all angles. (note: I can't spell words with the "phsy" prefix. Ever. Don't expect me to.)

I like thinking about the past. How it would have turned out differently with the drop of a hat. It's weird. Just think about it, take any substantial event in your life and backtrack to...well, to the event that, if it would have changed, life would have been different. I'll give you a minute to chew on that.

Yeah, weird right? I can trace everything that's happened in my life back to one huge thing that happened when I was 12. It's weird. Because if it wouldn't have happened, if it would have changed at all, I wouldn't be here today in this run down apartment, with an old friend and the lady I love the most.

Anyway. I think that is bloggy enough. Besides the fact that I keep getting distracted. (I hate closing statements. I always fail at them.)

Something Corporate is great live.

So I haven't actively blogged in quite some time. Probably since the firehorse that was Xanga burned out. I assume that's nearly 4 years ago.

Oh blogging, where were you when I needed to vent?

I don't need to vent anymore, I don't think. And, I highly doubt anyone of any importance to me will find this.

But hey, being invisible has never stopped me before.