... But with you, I know it's no good.
#namethoselyrics
Almost done with my first week of classes in, what, a year? Two? Three? Who knows. It... it's still school. It's nice knowing how most of my profs work cos I know exactly what I need to do. (Read. A lot. A fucking lot.)
I'm officially the FSL at work. This means I have to log 36 hours a week. Since I really don't feel like devoting 30 hours of my time between Friday-Sunday, this means I have to work a few hours on Monday and Wednesday. This makes me sad. But... I've gotta figure out something here. Somehow, someway, I won't fuck this up.
Ever notice that I rarely type out "Wednesday"? Yeah, fuck that word. Fuck it hard.
I really just want to keep getting drunk and playing Skyrim. I really need to work on Truth. But whenever I have free time, I want to drink. When I drink, I can't really write well. Also, I'm sort of... stuck. I don't know what to do with the next chapter. I mean, i know it's time for the music concert/disney movie night but... how do I GET there? I don't even know. I think, finally, I'm working up the inspiration to write it. That is, if I can ever stop reading these fucking books for class. "Oh, it's only 20 pages." Fuck you, that's 20 pages for every goddamned class I'm IN you mother fucking douche. I read a short novel every night.
#whining
I try to keep myself upbeat and on the right track, and usually it works. When it doesn't work, I get shitfaced before 5pm even thinks about rolling around. Oops.
This is the part where I mention how SOMEONE doesn't answer her phone, and it makes me really sad. Not that I usually have anything good to say. But there have been a few times when I've been like "well, maybe I could give her a call and take my mind off things." But then I realize that that's a stupid idea and she's either A; at work or B; 17 miles away from her phone.
No harm, no foul though.
Anyway. I have to be up for class in, like, 8 hours. I know, right? Getting up at 9:30 so I can shower before class. It's ridiculous. Then again, since when am I even THINKING about bed at 1-2 am? Now. Right now I am. Which works since I work at 2am on Friday. (Which I'm not supposed to since I'm the FSL <____<)
I thought I had more to say. But I just got pretty sleepy. So, you know, gonna go read some Bible stuff for class and fall asleep. Or just fall asleep. That works too.
[boom]
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Skyrim
Yeah, that game really is as consuming as they say. I thought I had been playing it for an hour or so. I logged 5.
Shit.
Anyway. Down to the real reason I'm doing this post. Yesterday, I broke down and read this fanfic that apparently everyone on DeviantArt has a boner over. It's called My Little Dashie and apparently it's supposed to be REALLY sad. I was pretty unhappy last night. I have three layers of sad/upset/whatever.
One: Distraction (Truth, PS3, Youtube, ect ect)
Two: Suppression/Alcoholism (Though, the latter could be filed under category one as well.)
Three: Masochism (Surprising, I know.)
Last night, I was feeling pretty emotionally masochistic. What exactly does that mean, you ask? It means that for some reason I'm sad/unhappy/upset/angry/whatever and instead of just dealing with it or doing something grown up, I just wallow in an abyss of self pity and try to make myself feel as awful as I can. Why? Because fuck you (me) that's why.
Last night was one of those nights. I didn't have time to get drunk since I worked early. I didn't have the motivation to work on Truth. So that more or less left me to either wallow in the sadness or try to just get it over with. You know, cos sometimes you just need to cry. Well, not you blog. I know you don't cry. Anyway, I decided, "fuck, if people say this is a sad story, might as well read it now." (I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I've done something like this).
Now, when people say a story/movie/song is sad, I believe them. When people say I might cry, I believe them because I am kind of a baby sometimes. When people say I "might shed a tear" I take that as a sign that it's sad but not super sad. Like, 'oh no the animals are lost in a foreign city' but not 'oh no one of them got hit by a truck *sob*'...
I haven't cried that hard in seven months.
WAT.
I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was my mood, if it was the plot, if it was the writing... I don't know. But I cried a lot. And that's weird to me. A lot of times if I cry during a movie (take Rent for example) it's like, yeah, sure, I'm crying and shit but it's mostly just the tears streaming down the face. This was full on stuffy nose, breathing funny, headachey crying. I don't even know. I want to try to read it again when I'm in a better mood and see what effect it has on me. I think it's just weird because I don't think a piece of literature/cinema/music has ever done THAT to me. At least, it hasn't done that to me without me already crying in the first place. Like, usually, it's a I'm crying because of X and then I hear song by Y that reminds me of X and there go the water works again.
I could try to read it again now, since I've been good tonight.
Then again, I just took an arrow to the knee.
[boom]
Shit.
Anyway. Down to the real reason I'm doing this post. Yesterday, I broke down and read this fanfic that apparently everyone on DeviantArt has a boner over. It's called My Little Dashie and apparently it's supposed to be REALLY sad. I was pretty unhappy last night. I have three layers of sad/upset/whatever.
One: Distraction (Truth, PS3, Youtube, ect ect)
Two: Suppression/Alcoholism (Though, the latter could be filed under category one as well.)
Three: Masochism (Surprising, I know.)
Last night, I was feeling pretty emotionally masochistic. What exactly does that mean, you ask? It means that for some reason I'm sad/unhappy/upset/angry/whatever and instead of just dealing with it or doing something grown up, I just wallow in an abyss of self pity and try to make myself feel as awful as I can. Why? Because fuck you (me) that's why.
Last night was one of those nights. I didn't have time to get drunk since I worked early. I didn't have the motivation to work on Truth. So that more or less left me to either wallow in the sadness or try to just get it over with. You know, cos sometimes you just need to cry. Well, not you blog. I know you don't cry. Anyway, I decided, "fuck, if people say this is a sad story, might as well read it now." (I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I've done something like this).
Now, when people say a story/movie/song is sad, I believe them. When people say I might cry, I believe them because I am kind of a baby sometimes. When people say I "might shed a tear" I take that as a sign that it's sad but not super sad. Like, 'oh no the animals are lost in a foreign city' but not 'oh no one of them got hit by a truck *sob*'...
I haven't cried that hard in seven months.
WAT.
I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was my mood, if it was the plot, if it was the writing... I don't know. But I cried a lot. And that's weird to me. A lot of times if I cry during a movie (take Rent for example) it's like, yeah, sure, I'm crying and shit but it's mostly just the tears streaming down the face. This was full on stuffy nose, breathing funny, headachey crying. I don't even know. I want to try to read it again when I'm in a better mood and see what effect it has on me. I think it's just weird because I don't think a piece of literature/cinema/music has ever done THAT to me. At least, it hasn't done that to me without me already crying in the first place. Like, usually, it's a I'm crying because of X and then I hear song by Y that reminds me of X and there go the water works again.
I could try to read it again now, since I've been good tonight.
Then again, I just took an arrow to the knee.
[boom]
Friday, January 6, 2012
Music
I was going to quote that terrible Madonna song, but fuck that. Party in the USA is one thing, Madonna is another. Especially that song. No thanks.
Anyway.
I was looking for a song of the chapter today for Truth. I went through and listened to a few Something Corporate songs. Then a few Jimmy Eat World. Not sure why. I wanted something... happy-ish. It was a happy time for Vinyl. But still, I listened to some of my favorites, trying to find just the right sound.
And in doing so, I made myself sad. Why? Because music is POWERFUL. Music, moreso than writing (and I'm a writer so saying that kind of hurts), has the ability to take your mood and put it on a different shelf. I can be content as can be and listen to Down, As You Sleep, and Kostantine by Something Corporate, and then Polaris by Jimmy and just get... sad. Then a few Kelly songs that hit close to home and I want another drink. (I will neither confirm nor deny that I've been drunk every day since last Friday.)
Or, if I'm just... fucking angry. Like the kind of angry that would get me put in jail, I could bust out some Seether or Breaking Ben or Linkin Park or something that I can just fucking SCREAM to... and I'll start to feel better. There are few things in life that make me feel better when I'm angry than driving down an open road with the warm sun and the cool breeze flowing through the car, screaming angry lyrics as loud as I can.
It's just amazing how it can change my mood. Then there's the Paramore's and Evanescence's and even Seether's, and definitely the Taylor Swift's. The songs that can take me from angry to sad to silly to heartfelt with just four different songs. It's amazing. I think Paramore and T. Swizzie are the best at it, though. Obviously Paramore has that whole, favorite band that I know all the lyrics to, thing going but Taylor... well, she writes about my life. What can I say?
There's just such a plethora of emotions attached to music. Not only what the writer, the singer wants you to feel, but personal backstorys. Maybe one song is really close to home and that's why you like it. Maybe it reminds you of an ex. A friend. A coworker. Maybe it's your "song". Whatever it is, it's just.. fucking crazy.
I guess I just don't get the few people in my life that I've met that "just don't like music". I don't get how something so powerful and amazing and unique doesn't have a place in someone's life. Oh well. Their loss, really. Like, even if you don't like bands or artists themselves, there's a good chance that something at some point has been written that can get to you. Even the most apathetic of people have music that they dig.
Music brings to the surface a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, memories and demons. And I guess tonight I was vulnerable enough to let it get to me pretty badly. I'm alright now, though, if you're concerned Blog. So no worries.
But my eyes are tired again. It sounds like spring outside. I'm going to pretend the next two work days don't exist.
[boom]
Anyway.
I was looking for a song of the chapter today for Truth. I went through and listened to a few Something Corporate songs. Then a few Jimmy Eat World. Not sure why. I wanted something... happy-ish. It was a happy time for Vinyl. But still, I listened to some of my favorites, trying to find just the right sound.
And in doing so, I made myself sad. Why? Because music is POWERFUL. Music, moreso than writing (and I'm a writer so saying that kind of hurts), has the ability to take your mood and put it on a different shelf. I can be content as can be and listen to Down, As You Sleep, and Kostantine by Something Corporate, and then Polaris by Jimmy and just get... sad. Then a few Kelly songs that hit close to home and I want another drink. (I will neither confirm nor deny that I've been drunk every day since last Friday.)
Or, if I'm just... fucking angry. Like the kind of angry that would get me put in jail, I could bust out some Seether or Breaking Ben or Linkin Park or something that I can just fucking SCREAM to... and I'll start to feel better. There are few things in life that make me feel better when I'm angry than driving down an open road with the warm sun and the cool breeze flowing through the car, screaming angry lyrics as loud as I can.
It's just amazing how it can change my mood. Then there's the Paramore's and Evanescence's and even Seether's, and definitely the Taylor Swift's. The songs that can take me from angry to sad to silly to heartfelt with just four different songs. It's amazing. I think Paramore and T. Swizzie are the best at it, though. Obviously Paramore has that whole, favorite band that I know all the lyrics to, thing going but Taylor... well, she writes about my life. What can I say?
There's just such a plethora of emotions attached to music. Not only what the writer, the singer wants you to feel, but personal backstorys. Maybe one song is really close to home and that's why you like it. Maybe it reminds you of an ex. A friend. A coworker. Maybe it's your "song". Whatever it is, it's just.. fucking crazy.
I guess I just don't get the few people in my life that I've met that "just don't like music". I don't get how something so powerful and amazing and unique doesn't have a place in someone's life. Oh well. Their loss, really. Like, even if you don't like bands or artists themselves, there's a good chance that something at some point has been written that can get to you. Even the most apathetic of people have music that they dig.
Music brings to the surface a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, memories and demons. And I guess tonight I was vulnerable enough to let it get to me pretty badly. I'm alright now, though, if you're concerned Blog. So no worries.
But my eyes are tired again. It sounds like spring outside. I'm going to pretend the next two work days don't exist.
[boom]
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