Today I feel empty, paranoid, and almost sick. I've let my imagination run wild and now I'm sitting here on a body-warmed couch doing my best to remind myself that it's all in my head. It all started last night when I woke up at midnight and proceeded to try to convince myself that, no, no one was trying to break into the house. At one point I even got up and turned the lights on. I don't know what my problem was. Every little noise just drove me nuts. Especially because I have two cats that galavant around.
I don't know what my problem is. I guess I just lost confidence. Saturday I had all the confidence in the world. I knew everything was going well and it was right and (almost) the way I wanted it. I felt strong. I felt like things might just work for me yet. And then I had a pretty good night with some friends and a bonfire and drank enough rum for me to not stand properly. For just one night I was able to pretend that I was okay. And it was nice. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling that having fun would further alienate me from the most important person in my life.
But for some reason, today, I can't do it. It's another day when I desperately need reassurance but for the sake of not being annoying and frustrating, I'm trying to resist.
I don't know. Eventually it should pass. Until then, I think it's going back to just sleeping and working. I don't know. Blah.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Don't make me spend another lonely night
Lyrics from Prayin' for Daylight by Rascal Flatts.
It's funny how these posts work out. Literally one day after I posted that whole "people who judge me for my music aren't worth it" rant, I hung out with one of the most judgmental people I know. It's funny in an ironic sort of way. That's okay though. Without her and her mind games, I don't think I would have had the nerve to talk to this strange girl in my philosophy classes. I needed an outlet from her, and I found the best possible one. Everything happens for a reason, after all.
I think I'm distraction-ing on another one of my coworkers. I did it this last winter and I'm doing it again. This time, though, I at least know that I don't actually have a crush on her (I really hate that term. It makes me feel like I'm in 4th grade.) but rather I am displacing my confused emotions onto her. See, when I get attention from a pretty lady, I eat it up. And I hate that about myself. But considering the rather large void in my life right now and my constant state of boredom...well, she serves as a release. She doesn't pseudo-flirt with me as well as the other one did, but that's probably a good thing. Okay, so I call it distrationing, you call it rebounding. It's the same thing. Almost. The difference is in a rebound one, if not both parties, are going to end up hurt. In this case, I know she is with her boyfriend of three years. I know that we are just friends. And most importantly I know that I don't really want her. I feel like even IF anything ever happened, I wouldn't really be into it anyway. Like, I would but my heart wouldn't be in it. I'd be like "meh, I'm makin' out with a cute chick." And that's not cool. Or maybe it is. Hmmm.
So, I've got this buddy. What? That's it. Over the last month or so, I've grown really close with one of my buddy's from work. He is pretty awesome. I don't know what I would have done without him these last few weeks. They've been rough, but he's been there. I am so incredibly thankful to the powers-that-be for making him stick around at work and not getting a different, more better job. More...more better. #strongbad
I find it funny that in the 45 minutes it took me to cut the grass today, half of it was listening to country, and the other half was hard rock and rap. I mean, it just amuses me to go from "I see a dust trail followin' an old red Nova, baby blue eyes your head on my shoulderrrrrrr" to "That's what you get when you let your heart win, wwwooooooaaaahhhh" to "Throw dirt on me, grown a wild flower. It's fuck the world, get a child out her."
Not that no one else listens to multiple genres of music. It just always amazes me that so many different kinds of music can reach the same person in so many different ways. Music is so powerful it's ridiculous. I could never listen to JUST ONE genre of music, or worse yet, dislike music as a whole. Yes, I've met people that don't like music. I guess that's okay. I just don't get it. I'm sure there are things that I do that people don't get. Which is fine. But holy shit at least let me put a helmet on so there's no mess before you BLOW MY MIND.
Anyway. Speaking of music. I think it's time to go through my Zune player and mess around with what I do and do not have on there. Or maybe it's time to go practice some more. (I'm actually getting fluent in guitar! I can almost play a whole song without fucking up! It's the little things.) Ooooor I could play some video games because I haven't played ONE in the time I've had off of work in the last month. It's...kind of scary. I've been too lazy to play video games. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I think that means it's time for more =).
Boom.
It's funny how these posts work out. Literally one day after I posted that whole "people who judge me for my music aren't worth it" rant, I hung out with one of the most judgmental people I know. It's funny in an ironic sort of way. That's okay though. Without her and her mind games, I don't think I would have had the nerve to talk to this strange girl in my philosophy classes. I needed an outlet from her, and I found the best possible one. Everything happens for a reason, after all.
I think I'm distraction-ing on another one of my coworkers. I did it this last winter and I'm doing it again. This time, though, I at least know that I don't actually have a crush on her (I really hate that term. It makes me feel like I'm in 4th grade.) but rather I am displacing my confused emotions onto her. See, when I get attention from a pretty lady, I eat it up. And I hate that about myself. But considering the rather large void in my life right now and my constant state of boredom...well, she serves as a release. She doesn't pseudo-flirt with me as well as the other one did, but that's probably a good thing. Okay, so I call it distrationing, you call it rebounding. It's the same thing. Almost. The difference is in a rebound one, if not both parties, are going to end up hurt. In this case, I know she is with her boyfriend of three years. I know that we are just friends. And most importantly I know that I don't really want her. I feel like even IF anything ever happened, I wouldn't really be into it anyway. Like, I would but my heart wouldn't be in it. I'd be like "meh, I'm makin' out with a cute chick." And that's not cool. Or maybe it is. Hmmm.
So, I've got this buddy. What? That's it. Over the last month or so, I've grown really close with one of my buddy's from work. He is pretty awesome. I don't know what I would have done without him these last few weeks. They've been rough, but he's been there. I am so incredibly thankful to the powers-that-be for making him stick around at work and not getting a different, more better job. More...more better. #strongbad
I find it funny that in the 45 minutes it took me to cut the grass today, half of it was listening to country, and the other half was hard rock and rap. I mean, it just amuses me to go from "I see a dust trail followin' an old red Nova, baby blue eyes your head on my shoulderrrrrrr" to "That's what you get when you let your heart win, wwwooooooaaaahhhh" to "Throw dirt on me, grown a wild flower. It's fuck the world, get a child out her."
Not that no one else listens to multiple genres of music. It just always amazes me that so many different kinds of music can reach the same person in so many different ways. Music is so powerful it's ridiculous. I could never listen to JUST ONE genre of music, or worse yet, dislike music as a whole. Yes, I've met people that don't like music. I guess that's okay. I just don't get it. I'm sure there are things that I do that people don't get. Which is fine. But holy shit at least let me put a helmet on so there's no mess before you BLOW MY MIND.
Anyway. Speaking of music. I think it's time to go through my Zune player and mess around with what I do and do not have on there. Or maybe it's time to go practice some more. (I'm actually getting fluent in guitar! I can almost play a whole song without fucking up! It's the little things.) Ooooor I could play some video games because I haven't played ONE in the time I've had off of work in the last month. It's...kind of scary. I've been too lazy to play video games. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I think that means it's time for more =).
Boom.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Waitin' for that mornin' sun
Eventually I'll get around to an actual blog. The problem is that when I think of the right words, it's 3am and I'm at work for at least the next 6 hours.
I have a terrible headache right now. Not quite a migraine. I have to work in 7 hours. You'd think I'd go to sleep. No. Of course not. That's smart.
I haven't stopped listening to country music in the last week. It's weird. But I kind of like it. At least, I like some of it. At least, I like Rascal Flatts. Maybe I'm taking a shine to T.Swift. Maybe.
It's also kind of nice because I'm finally not caring about how people perceive me. There's the part of me that likes being accepted, but then there is the part of me that's realizing, fully, that if people are judging me because of what I'm pumpin' in my car (or for saying stupid ass shit like that last sentence), then I don't have time to waste on them.
Alright, I have to cut this short. This headache is turning south really fast.
I have a terrible headache right now. Not quite a migraine. I have to work in 7 hours. You'd think I'd go to sleep. No. Of course not. That's smart.
I haven't stopped listening to country music in the last week. It's weird. But I kind of like it. At least, I like some of it. At least, I like Rascal Flatts. Maybe I'm taking a shine to T.Swift. Maybe.
It's also kind of nice because I'm finally not caring about how people perceive me. There's the part of me that likes being accepted, but then there is the part of me that's realizing, fully, that if people are judging me because of what I'm pumpin' in my car (or for saying stupid ass shit like that last sentence), then I don't have time to waste on them.
Alright, I have to cut this short. This headache is turning south really fast.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Drunk rambling with loads of typos, I'm sure
I might be a little drunk. Maybe even a little too drunk to drive. I made it home. Safely.
Drinking may not have been my best idea in hindsight. Drinking brings back everything that I've worked this week to put past me. Drinking makes me stay up when I'm tired and blog to the internet about how much my life sucks. Drinking is going to make me cry myself to sleep. Drinking was a shit terrible idea.
I have worked this entire week to make everything okay. If nothing else, I've worked to make everything that is in my head...go away. I try not to think about it. When I think about it, I seal myself off to everyone. Then I try to forget it. It's worked for the most part.
I don't want to sit here and be emo anymore. Sound familiar? It should. Look at most all of the blog posts on this page. They're all about overcoming my crippling depression and making my life good. Thinking positive thoughts, being logical. All of them. Almost. I don't want to make this another one of those posts. I'm tired of making, apparently, empty promises both to myself and others. I'm also tired of bitching and whining and moaning about stupid stuff. I'm sick of it all. I want to have fun. I want to see my friends and know that life is okay.
My biggest problem is that I want to be important to someone. Okay, yes, specifically someone, but also generally. As anti-social as I can be, I want someone to wake up in the morning and wonder how I'm doing. I want people to wonder if I'm okay when I'm not there to prompt the idea.
I am terrified, utterly terrified, of being forgotten. You might say it's my biggest fear.
Is it logical? No. Not at all. But it's there. Someday I'll beat it. Someday I'll look in the mirror and I won't cringe. Someday I'll be happy with myself both inside and out. To think of where I was to where I am now is comforting. Does that make sense? Fuck no. I am not well, per se, but I am also happier with myself then I have been in the past. I am just scared. I cannot bare the thought of loosing the most important person in my life. Sound dramatic? Maybe it is. Maybe it's so illogical it's laughable. Maybe in a few months I'll laugh and how silly I am being. I hope so. I am just scared. Over a year ago, I laid eyes on the most influential person that's ever walked into my life. I told myself, correctly, that she was going to be someone that I needed. I didn't want to believe how much I would need her, because I was scared then and afraid to be wrong. I've realized now that my gut feelings...are often right. As God as my witness, I had a feeling that I would be in this situation, in this time period.
Sure, it could be coincidence. It was bound to happen. Right?...Right? But how could I call it so perfectly? It doesn't make sense.
I am a pessimist at heart. I would rather admit defeat before I need to, then bother building myself up for what can only be complete devastation. It is easier to believe that something will hurt me, than that something will help me. (IE, seeing my current situation was easier to believe than seeing that we were going to be together in the first place.)
"Seeing" makes me sound like I think I'm psychic. I'm not. I just have gut feelings. They haven't often lead me astray. So I hope that, despite this week's set back, I can find it in me to believe that things will be okay. That I will not be forgotten. That the one that I love the most won't abandon me in the worst kind of way.
I do believe that. But sometimes I need a little help. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the truth. Sometimes seems more often than not. I am sorry. I don't mean to be so needy. In fact, I hate it. I don't think I really have to mention that. Sometimes, though, when I send stupid, emotional, surprisingly not drunk texts...it's because I need that extra yes. It's because I need to know that, logically, I am not a nobody. I am a somebody. I am special, if even just a small amount, to someone.
Sometimes. I want to have that one, single, rouge tear wiped away. I want to be looked in the eye and told, "Hey...you're important to me. And I'm not going anywhere."
And you know what? I've been told that. And it's like a pain killer. It works the first time, every time. But like most pain killers, it's an addiction. I do my best to go without. I do my best to build up tolerance. Until I can absolutely bear it no more. Until the weight of the world crushes me and pins me to my self-loathing pity party.
I'm not pathetic. I'm fucking awesome. Fuck you if you don't agree. But even the strongest of the strong have moments. I just have a lot. I've seen a lot of things, I've been left by a lot of people. I can't bear loosing my best friend again. Not now. Not you. Fuck that. I'll fight until I have no life left.
But I don't need to fight. That's the beauty. I just have to live. That's it. Don't fix what ain't broken. That's somewhat accurate. I am constantly trying to correct what my mind tells me is wrong. It's not wrong. It's me being paranoid. It's me afraid. I am scared. A lot.
I hold the real truths to be self evident. I will not be left behind like a useless speck of the past. I am the present. I will always be part of the present. I just need to learn that, to remember that.
I just want the comfort of knowing I'm always important. Is that so much to ask?
Drinking may not have been my best idea in hindsight. Drinking brings back everything that I've worked this week to put past me. Drinking makes me stay up when I'm tired and blog to the internet about how much my life sucks. Drinking is going to make me cry myself to sleep. Drinking was a shit terrible idea.
I have worked this entire week to make everything okay. If nothing else, I've worked to make everything that is in my head...go away. I try not to think about it. When I think about it, I seal myself off to everyone. Then I try to forget it. It's worked for the most part.
I don't want to sit here and be emo anymore. Sound familiar? It should. Look at most all of the blog posts on this page. They're all about overcoming my crippling depression and making my life good. Thinking positive thoughts, being logical. All of them. Almost. I don't want to make this another one of those posts. I'm tired of making, apparently, empty promises both to myself and others. I'm also tired of bitching and whining and moaning about stupid stuff. I'm sick of it all. I want to have fun. I want to see my friends and know that life is okay.
My biggest problem is that I want to be important to someone. Okay, yes, specifically someone, but also generally. As anti-social as I can be, I want someone to wake up in the morning and wonder how I'm doing. I want people to wonder if I'm okay when I'm not there to prompt the idea.
I am terrified, utterly terrified, of being forgotten. You might say it's my biggest fear.
Is it logical? No. Not at all. But it's there. Someday I'll beat it. Someday I'll look in the mirror and I won't cringe. Someday I'll be happy with myself both inside and out. To think of where I was to where I am now is comforting. Does that make sense? Fuck no. I am not well, per se, but I am also happier with myself then I have been in the past. I am just scared. I cannot bare the thought of loosing the most important person in my life. Sound dramatic? Maybe it is. Maybe it's so illogical it's laughable. Maybe in a few months I'll laugh and how silly I am being. I hope so. I am just scared. Over a year ago, I laid eyes on the most influential person that's ever walked into my life. I told myself, correctly, that she was going to be someone that I needed. I didn't want to believe how much I would need her, because I was scared then and afraid to be wrong. I've realized now that my gut feelings...are often right. As God as my witness, I had a feeling that I would be in this situation, in this time period.
Sure, it could be coincidence. It was bound to happen. Right?...Right? But how could I call it so perfectly? It doesn't make sense.
I am a pessimist at heart. I would rather admit defeat before I need to, then bother building myself up for what can only be complete devastation. It is easier to believe that something will hurt me, than that something will help me. (IE, seeing my current situation was easier to believe than seeing that we were going to be together in the first place.)
"Seeing" makes me sound like I think I'm psychic. I'm not. I just have gut feelings. They haven't often lead me astray. So I hope that, despite this week's set back, I can find it in me to believe that things will be okay. That I will not be forgotten. That the one that I love the most won't abandon me in the worst kind of way.
I do believe that. But sometimes I need a little help. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the truth. Sometimes seems more often than not. I am sorry. I don't mean to be so needy. In fact, I hate it. I don't think I really have to mention that. Sometimes, though, when I send stupid, emotional, surprisingly not drunk texts...it's because I need that extra yes. It's because I need to know that, logically, I am not a nobody. I am a somebody. I am special, if even just a small amount, to someone.
Sometimes. I want to have that one, single, rouge tear wiped away. I want to be looked in the eye and told, "Hey...you're important to me. And I'm not going anywhere."
And you know what? I've been told that. And it's like a pain killer. It works the first time, every time. But like most pain killers, it's an addiction. I do my best to go without. I do my best to build up tolerance. Until I can absolutely bear it no more. Until the weight of the world crushes me and pins me to my self-loathing pity party.
I'm not pathetic. I'm fucking awesome. Fuck you if you don't agree. But even the strongest of the strong have moments. I just have a lot. I've seen a lot of things, I've been left by a lot of people. I can't bear loosing my best friend again. Not now. Not you. Fuck that. I'll fight until I have no life left.
But I don't need to fight. That's the beauty. I just have to live. That's it. Don't fix what ain't broken. That's somewhat accurate. I am constantly trying to correct what my mind tells me is wrong. It's not wrong. It's me being paranoid. It's me afraid. I am scared. A lot.
I hold the real truths to be self evident. I will not be left behind like a useless speck of the past. I am the present. I will always be part of the present. I just need to learn that, to remember that.
I just want the comfort of knowing I'm always important. Is that so much to ask?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Well.
I feel like this blog has outstayed it's welcome. No one is going to read it anymore, I'm very certain of that. Sure, I have thoughts and feelings and maybe I will write them down. But it was nice to know that I had a reader.
Besides, we all know what a train wreck I am right now. Maybe blogging to an empty blog will help. But more than likely, it will make me think about how abandoned I feel. And maybe I shouldn't feel that way. But I can't help it. I just feel like there's no place for me anymore. And I hate it. I hate the feeling that I'm unimportant. I guess, right now, I need reassurance more than ever.
But I can't do this right now. I need to sleep. Goodnight.
Besides, we all know what a train wreck I am right now. Maybe blogging to an empty blog will help. But more than likely, it will make me think about how abandoned I feel. And maybe I shouldn't feel that way. But I can't help it. I just feel like there's no place for me anymore. And I hate it. I hate the feeling that I'm unimportant. I guess, right now, I need reassurance more than ever.
But I can't do this right now. I need to sleep. Goodnight.
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