My misery's so addictive

Do you ever get the feeling that I'm overreacting, blog?

Sometimes I'm drunk and irrational. (Not now. I have to work in the morning.)

Sometimes I'm legitimately afraid of stupid shit. Why is it stupid? Because I can't control it one way or another. And that fucking sucks. So bad. I literally have no control of our destiny. It's all in her hands now. And I hate it.

Wanna know the ironic part? I literally mentioned about... two weeks ago that at some point, she would be faced with a choice. She would either have to tell Purse-up-in-a-tree that I exist and, likewise, that she writes fanfics (Seriously. They've been together for three years and Janice doesn't know?). She would tell Janice and, in the worst case possible, Janice would make her choose.

Now, none of us here are stupid. We ALL know that in the case of best friend versus girlfriend... we know who wins. I knew it, and I accepted it. I didn't like it.

But in this case, she just kind of... chose. I lost.

Then again, maybe I haven't lost. Maybe I...

I'm sorry. There are times when I can almost, ALMOST, convince myself that everything is going to be okay. I have to hang onto that. I really, really do. I can't handle it. There are but two people that I feel that I can be open with about anything at all. And, right now, I can't talk to either of them. And that fucking slays me.

One of my other friend's is convinced she ran off because she's harboring some sort of feelings for me. I laughed. A lot. Not possible. I just straight up lost. And, again, I didn't expect to win. But it hurts. It hurts a whole lot. I've decided that I'm going to try to let sleeping dogs lay and then, at some point in the future, maybe try again. I don't know. I'm utterly beside myself. I haven't been this unhappy in years. I can't remember the last time I cried as hard as I did.

I've been hitting the bottle. Really hard. She stopped me last week. I'm not so sure she will this week. Which is fine. I plan on drinking until I literally cannot stand. Fuck reality.

In happier news, remember Tegan and Sara from the Honda Civic Tour a few years ago? Remember how apathetic I was towards them? Welp. I did what every lesbian does and I went and fell in love with them. (Not literally). Their music is perfect for a masochist like me. Saw them in concert on Sunday. Now, brace yourself for what I'm about to say: They put on the best live show I've seen. That's right. The best. They played for two hours. And they were hilarious. And I was front row. Less than 100 feet from my favorite twin. I kind of lost my mind. It was amazing. I'm in love with Sara Quin now.

But yes. I am beside myself and my only real distraction is watching hilarious banter between Tegan and Sara and watching youtube. I finished Truth the other day. Well, finished that part of it. I have some other plans for it. So, like, it's done but it's not done forever. Someone-who's-name-won't-be-mentioned offered the idea of humanizing it and trying to get it published. I wonder how you feel about that, blog? Because I'm interested in it. A lot. I thinks some people involved would be... angry. I would laugh.

I'm sure you won't read Sequence, blog. It's my other story I've been working on for a few months now. It's about... maybe half done-ish. I stopped focusing on it to finish Truth, but also because I write best when buzzed. And all of my drinking nights lately have been dedicated to either DMing or Skyping with her. But,anyway, when something more geared around you shows up, I will be sure to tell you. To be honest, I'm not even sure you read this anymore. Which is fine. This is literally my only outlet to speak candidly about what's going on in my life. My Tumblr has completely blown up. Like, ever since I got a gimmick, I get more followers every day. I just hit 100 today, actually. Kinda neat. And, for some reason, I don't use my secret Tumblr. I'm taking a Twitter hiatus because fuck Sammy and her stupid gorgeous face. DeviantArt isn't for personal shit. I'm too closed off from anyone else to open up anymore. You're gone. Sammy's gone. Matt's busy working 12 hours a day most days.

Everything is great and nothing sucks.
[boom]

Call. Break. My... own heart.

Now would be a great time for you to call.

I seriously can't fucking do this anymore.

[edit]
SHE JUST TOLD ME TO RELAX

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST

How does this feel like a break up? It's not.

I AM SO GOOD AT LOSING PEOPLE I AM CLOSE TO

And I can't drink. Because I promised her I wouldn't.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I need a drink.

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore

No, it's cool. I don't mind Skyping for a total of 12 hours in three days,.

No. Really. It's fine. Six hours a night is nothing.

That's not sarcasm.

I.
Am so.
Fucked.

[boom]

Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at

I'm so fucked.

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at

I'm slowly spiraling into insanity.

We Skyped for six hours yesterday.

Six. Hours.

Until 4am.

But it was 5am her time.

And she had to be up by 8.

To go hang out.

With her girlfriend.

On Valentine's Day.


We're just friends.
I tell myself

It would never work.
I continue to argue

I'm just being goofy. I'm just confused because she's attractive and I'm lonely.
Clearly.

I should keep writing my stories.
Oh, the new one with a very interesting ending about wanting something you can't have?

I'm going to bed.
Confused and angry.

[boom]

Your eyes focus like a microscope

Hey blog. Been awhile.

I just... I just have one problem right now.

Sure, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. Barely.

Sure, my laptop is dying and I desperately want a Mac.

Sure, I had to file in three states because I think H&R Block fucked up with my CSI stuff and, thusly, I had a fuckton of fees.

Sure, I'm slowly spiraling into insanity with my main Tumblr because of how it romanticizes celebrities.

Sure, I'm still... onestepaheadofyou.

But the weirdest thing in my life is that I can't, for the life of me, figure out if I'm in love with ... well, Sammy.

I think the fact that I can't tell is good, and it means that I'm not. Friendships are intimate things and we are super close and talk all the time. It's natural for me to be confused, because I'm physically attracted to her.

I'm not in love with her. I'm just being goofy, right?

...

... Right?

Blog, I'm so confused. I just gotta keep livin' one day at a time. Besides, she's in Florida. It would never work.

... Right?

[boom]

I don't mean to say goodbye too soon

Hey blog.

Do you even read this anymore? I can't be sure. I wouldn't be totally surprised if you don't get the chance to. But, on the off chance you do, I'm gonna keep blogging. Only for you, you fucker.

2013 is going well. At least, so far. I'm trying to make something of this year. I have all these goals and shit. And we'll see if I can stay motivated enough to achieve them.

I already made myself write something new for dA. It might not be Truth, but I think it's pretty okay! I think I got the emotions just about perfect. Just about.

I might get to meet Hannah Hart this year. AAAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! I know it's kinda dumb, but she's been very inspirational to me for the last few months. I've definitely increased my obsession level to maximum for her. And it's just cool that I might get to meet and maybe have a beer with one of my favorite (pseudo) celebrities.

I am going to see what I can do about being an Assistant Store Leader. Now I know you're staring at your screen, smirk on your lips and an eyebrow raised. Lemme finish you dick. I've been on the register a LOT more lately. It's been nice. So nice. Like, I think the reason why I've been so... happy lately is because I haven't really been in the kitchen. I had a short week this week on top of that, so I got to chill at home. Well, kind of. I was super sick, but it was probably better I got sick when I DIDN'T have to be at work all the time forever.

Anyway, I'm looking at being an ASL because, well, honestly, I need the cash. Is that a little fucked up? Maybe! But I would be able to make ends meet AND I would potentially get to move to Sun Prairie, depending on what kind of openings are there. Obviously, just because I'm going to talk to Michelle about it, doesn't mean I'm GOING to be an ASL anytime soon. But hopefully within a year or two, you know?

Shit man, I have fucking GOALS. When the fuck did that happen?

Also, I've finally, fucking, FINALLY, outlining a pitch for Cracked. I need to do it. Even if I fail. I'll go til I get it right. Even if it's just one article. I need to prove to myself I can do it.

I think Sammy said it best "If I don't write, there's nothing else I can offer the world." Perhaps that's a little over dramatic, but... you know. I think I can make something happen with this. 2013: Year of the Takeover.

I'm also actively working out again, but this time I'm actually eating somewhat better. Like, mostly working on portion sizes. And more water instead of Dew. Is it weird if my goal is that the only soda I'll have is in alcohol? That's normal, right?

Yes, I am still your favorite drunk. Don't lie.

We're trying to figure out cabin things this year. I know shits sticky right now, but let me (or probably Sam) know. We're thinking mid June. The 11th, I believe, was a date we were looking at.

How was your interview? I see you had one. I hope it went well. How was Mexico? Fun fact: I had yet another dream about you the other day and, hey guess what, you died. I woke up, frustrated because I couldn't just send you another "hey you're not really dead, right?" texts. But then I pulled up Twitter on my phone and you had retweeted Grumpy Cat. And I do believe it was something rather egotistical. It made me smile.

You fuck.

Anyway. That's me. I hope things are going well. Hopefully we'll get to talk soon. I... definitely don't miss you chastising the ever living fuck out of me. Nope.
[boom]