My misery's so addictive

Do you ever get the feeling that I'm overreacting, blog?

Sometimes I'm drunk and irrational. (Not now. I have to work in the morning.)

Sometimes I'm legitimately afraid of stupid shit. Why is it stupid? Because I can't control it one way or another. And that fucking sucks. So bad. I literally have no control of our destiny. It's all in her hands now. And I hate it.

Wanna know the ironic part? I literally mentioned about... two weeks ago that at some point, she would be faced with a choice. She would either have to tell Purse-up-in-a-tree that I exist and, likewise, that she writes fanfics (Seriously. They've been together for three years and Janice doesn't know?). She would tell Janice and, in the worst case possible, Janice would make her choose.

Now, none of us here are stupid. We ALL know that in the case of best friend versus girlfriend... we know who wins. I knew it, and I accepted it. I didn't like it.

But in this case, she just kind of... chose. I lost.

Then again, maybe I haven't lost. Maybe I...

I'm sorry. There are times when I can almost, ALMOST, convince myself that everything is going to be okay. I have to hang onto that. I really, really do. I can't handle it. There are but two people that I feel that I can be open with about anything at all. And, right now, I can't talk to either of them. And that fucking slays me.

One of my other friend's is convinced she ran off because she's harboring some sort of feelings for me. I laughed. A lot. Not possible. I just straight up lost. And, again, I didn't expect to win. But it hurts. It hurts a whole lot. I've decided that I'm going to try to let sleeping dogs lay and then, at some point in the future, maybe try again. I don't know. I'm utterly beside myself. I haven't been this unhappy in years. I can't remember the last time I cried as hard as I did.

I've been hitting the bottle. Really hard. She stopped me last week. I'm not so sure she will this week. Which is fine. I plan on drinking until I literally cannot stand. Fuck reality.

In happier news, remember Tegan and Sara from the Honda Civic Tour a few years ago? Remember how apathetic I was towards them? Welp. I did what every lesbian does and I went and fell in love with them. (Not literally). Their music is perfect for a masochist like me. Saw them in concert on Sunday. Now, brace yourself for what I'm about to say: They put on the best live show I've seen. That's right. The best. They played for two hours. And they were hilarious. And I was front row. Less than 100 feet from my favorite twin. I kind of lost my mind. It was amazing. I'm in love with Sara Quin now.

But yes. I am beside myself and my only real distraction is watching hilarious banter between Tegan and Sara and watching youtube. I finished Truth the other day. Well, finished that part of it. I have some other plans for it. So, like, it's done but it's not done forever. Someone-who's-name-won't-be-mentioned offered the idea of humanizing it and trying to get it published. I wonder how you feel about that, blog? Because I'm interested in it. A lot. I thinks some people involved would be... angry. I would laugh.

I'm sure you won't read Sequence, blog. It's my other story I've been working on for a few months now. It's about... maybe half done-ish. I stopped focusing on it to finish Truth, but also because I write best when buzzed. And all of my drinking nights lately have been dedicated to either DMing or Skyping with her. But,anyway, when something more geared around you shows up, I will be sure to tell you. To be honest, I'm not even sure you read this anymore. Which is fine. This is literally my only outlet to speak candidly about what's going on in my life. My Tumblr has completely blown up. Like, ever since I got a gimmick, I get more followers every day. I just hit 100 today, actually. Kinda neat. And, for some reason, I don't use my secret Tumblr. I'm taking a Twitter hiatus because fuck Sammy and her stupid gorgeous face. DeviantArt isn't for personal shit. I'm too closed off from anyone else to open up anymore. You're gone. Sammy's gone. Matt's busy working 12 hours a day most days.

Everything is great and nothing sucks.
[boom]