We got a whole lot of money but we still pay rent

'Cause you can't buy a house in Heaven.




This week has been trying as fuck, blog.

First, I've been working at least 9 hour shifts since last Tuesday. Finally have a day off tomorrow. It will be nice to just... not go to wor- OH WAIT. I have a meeting tomorrow. At least it's just an hour. And I can sit. And not work. And yell. I like yelling. Fuck those guys.

Where to start? Well, I guess I woke up Tuesday Morning, for a 2am cleaning shift, crying. I don't remember a whole lot of it. It started as a Trivia dream. Probably because I slept literally all of Monday away. All of it. Anyway, yeah, so I was having these Trivia dreams. Mostly about stones, not so much about the actual questions. Well, it turns out that we ended up in some club or something. Wherein I saw my brother, Casey. It was weird because, obviously, we're so close and we talk all the time. The next thing I know is Michele is there and she's trying to tell me that she cares about me and whatever. I tell her to fuck off because, shit, when has she ever been there for me? I have my parents and she's not one of them. Then, she pulls out these papers from my grade school. Papers that only parents would have. Papers that mean she was checking up on me. So, apparently, I started crying in my dream. And when my alarm when off, my face was a little wet.

It's weird. Because I honestly don't care about her or him. I have my dad and my aunts. I also have my friends. I don't need her. It's just odd.

Fast forwarding to today, I found out that one of my old coworker's son/our redbull vendor died in a pretty terrible car crash last night. It's just... like, woah. Like, I wasn't really friends with him he was just Nick. But I can't imagine how it would feel as a parent to have to bury your mid twenty-something year old son... who got into a car crash and burned alive. How... how could you DO that? I can't even imagine. It's just... really heavy.

Aaaand then there's Alyssa. We're pretty good friends. I'd say she's one of my best friends, actually. But she's been acting different. Strange, distant... yet she's putting on enough of a face to make me feel like I'm just imagining it. But then Kelli came to me and asked if I thought Alyssa was acting strange. So I know I'm not just imagining it. Things are different. Tonight I was angry. Well, I was hurt. But I was angry. Alright, I was listening to Breaking Ben's "Dear Agony" album so... there's that. Lemme tell ya, though, one of the best work outs I've had in a REALLY long time.

At this point, I'm just waiting for her to tell me why. I was so upset about it that Sam told me what was going on. Alyssa's been distancing herself because, apparently, she's going to move to Illinois in July and live with her sister. She almost bailed on going to the cabin. Sam talked her out of that. This put me into shock. Partially because... jesus, really? And partially because we were supposed to move to Madison next May. I still want to move to MadTown (Part of me wants to follow that with "if that's okay with you, blog" but I had the idea first. Now I just have more ammunition to do so because more of my friends will be in one place. And who knows, maybe Sam will move with me. She wants out of Point too.)

Anyway. The point is that I'm not supposed to know that. No one but Sam is. And I'll heed to that because Sam was only doing me a favor and saving me the sad. But it just... why not just tell me? It kind of hurts. We've always been open with each other, at least for the most part and now it's just. Fuck.

So between this, stupid fucking... I swear to christ, this new chick at work is dumber than a bag of inbred hammers. Working a lot, sexist truck drivers, general unhappiness and unsurities in my life... What am I supposed to do?

Which brings me to school. Since this semester is totally fucked beyond belief, because of my constant working, I'm going to withdraw from this semester and try again in the fall. I'm hoping that I can reduce my hours somehow, considering I pretty much have a for sure AFSL, and just... fucking work on graduating. I know I've got it somewhere in me. I fucked it up this semester. I am sorry. I am sorry to me because I thought I was good enough to do it. I'm not so sure I can. I'm going to try, though. I started out so strong, but I honestly think that working so much just fucked my shit. I'm so tired at all the wrong times. It's fucking 4am. I have no idea how I end up doing shit like this all the time. It sucks. I hate been so insomniatic all the time.

I might try to write more tomorrow. I know that I have enough rage in me to write a big ass fight. All I have to do now is remember. The problem is that I have no idea what was said when I wasn't in the room. So, maybe if I could get some info on that. I dunno. Every so often I get the need to call and ask these sorts of things, but you know how I don't like to be a bother, Blog. So a message would suffice. I mean, if that's okay with you. I just wanna get it right. I know that I don't remember a whole lot of what happened with my conversation, so I'm sure you don't either, but anything at all would be helpful.

I'm going to go watch Mythbusters until my eyes bleed. I don't want to go to bed yet. Though, since I more or less whined to you I don't know I'll have a huge problem. Maybe, though.

But what about you, Blog? Any new or fun things? You should really get on Facebook soon. I would enjoy talking with you. I need a friend, Blog. I feel like a fucking leper. (mumble)not sure how a blog site is gonna get on a social networking site...

[boom]

Lyrics, lyrics are no fun.

Holy shit blogger, what in the goddamn shitfuck did you do to your posting interface? I'm too drunk for this.

The purpose of this post is a place holder to remind myself that I need to do a proper post tomorrow. It's not every morning I awake from a dream, in which I am crying, to discover that I am crying real tears from my real eyeballs.

In fact, it's two mornings in 23 and a half years. So, I figure it's worth noting.

For now, I'm a little drunk and a lot trying to get my sleep schedule on track. I have emotions, blog, but I need to sleep. Real bad.

Real bad.

[bizzoom.]

The best thing I can think to do right now...

... is leave it alone.


I feel like I post when I'm drunk kind of often. Whatever.

I changed the headlights in my car today. I feel like, ultra super lesbian. Besides the fact that I cut my thumb under the nail. That shit just hurts.

It's... raining? I don't fucking know.

My thumb hurts like shit. Did you know 'this' has the same letters as 'shit'? Crazy right?

My sleep schedule has been fucked beyond belief the last few days. GOOD THING TRIVIA IS THIS WEEKEND TO FIX THAT.

I'm not sure if my feelings are changing or I'm really diggin' my friend Sammy (the one I mentioned last time). I can't be sure it's real because I don't know how my feelings are towards other people. Those feelings, blog, seem to be getting better. But I'm not sure. I'm still a sap. And if we're 100% honest with ourselves, there's still a physical attraction. What? Sometimes blondes are fucking hot, alright? Calm yourself. Emotions have nothin' to do with fuckin'. Usually. WHAT? Don't look at me like that. <______<. NO JUDGING.

Then again, sometimes Cubans are hot. Or CauCubans, as I call her, because she looks white. Shocking, I know, I am attracted to a light skinned girl. Stop the presses.

This is frustrating. I just want it to make sense.

I hate school.
I hate work.
I'm getting the itch to play Skyrim again.
Drinking makes my problems go away. And that's fucking TERRIFYING.

I miss you, uh, blog. I wish I could whine to a real person and not a computer screen. Oh well. Such is life. I need to go figure out if I'm going to drink til 6am or try to sleep.

[boo-zzzzzzzzzzzz]

I hope you die, I hope we both die.

I was having a decent night, blog. And then I got cranky. I know, I know, hold your surprise in, please.

Actually, I had to laugh because goddamned seriously? Sometimes, you just have to laugh at life. It really is hilarious.

First thing's first. I'm going to be in school until I can ace four different Philosophy classes. That's right. I've fucked myself SO HARD that my GPA isn't even above a 2.5 so I can graduate. Fucking awesome. At this point, I'm so irritated with it that I just want to give up. Throw in the towel. No being great. No boots to asses. Just fucking up. Again.

I know, I know. "Don't be a Dante." But it's really frustrating. Like, a lot. I wish I could kick past me in the ass and tell me to go to class and stop being a fuck. All I can do now is try to fix it. And try to care.

But here's some shit that just... fucking made me laugh. So, I kind of have this following on DeviantArt, for reasons I will never ever understand. So I've made some acquaintances here and there. There's one girl I've been talking to a lot. We've been messaging each other back and fourth for a few weeks now. I won't lie, her profile implied that she was a lesbian and I was curious. Not because I wanted to get into a weird online dating thing, but because I wanted more sane lesbian friends. Okay, -A- sane lesbian friend.

So we're talking. She's cool. Lots of similar interests. She's from Florida. Rock on, that's cool. Trading stories about life and beliefs and just generally havin' a good time. She's pretty cool, I think to myself. Find out she's got a lady in her life. Alright, rock on. Not like I was going anywhere with it. Just kind of whatever, you know?

But then she follows me on Twitter (cos I mentioned it at some point). And then I look at her avatar. And then I can deny no longer that I am totally smitten with this chick. Seriously, she's pretty goddamned hot.

It's funny because... really? Seriously?

Life is funny. It mostly humors me. It irritates me in that I shouldn't be attracted to her at all. I mean, she's only 19. But that's my own irritation. Ah well. At least I have a friend, out of it. And, like I said, online dating is weird. I mean, I've DONE it before but it doesn't quite seem to work out. And Florida is kind of far away. So it's all good, right?

Right.

Fun fact: Sometimes, I drink vodka and I get disappointed. Not because it tastes bad. Nay nay. Vodka is fucking delicious. But the problem is that it's not strong enough. I have to have at least a glass halfway full of the stuff if I want a buzz by the third glass. I guess that drinking hundred proof rum all the time will do that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you're going down.
"I'm going to drink you so far under the table that you will come out at an AA meeting in China." - Faye Whitaker.

I'm going to bed. I'm not tired but sad and I don't want to be alone and I don't know why. It's irritating. And sad. I've no one to talk to. #firstworldproblems #whiny

P.S. Is the Chorus to No Children by The Mountain Goats too mean of a song to set as Rora's ringtone? Hmm. I mean, it's not TRUE. At least, not literally. But I think it's funny. (To answer any questions, the lyrics in question are the title. Google it, I'm not making it up.)

[boom]

When the moon fell in love with the sun...

... all was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night.



That's easily one of the best lyrics I've heard in a long time. And it got me to rethink the tattoo I'm going to get for my parents. I should be pretty cool. Would it be weird to add that quote? I just... it's awesome. And it's perfect.

Anyway. Hi blog. It's probably like, what, 8am your time? (I speak future-time, you see. Maybe you're not the only one that can fuck with the space-time continuum. Remember that?)

My cats have been fucking hyper annoying lately. I literally almost threw the white one across the room the other day. I don't know what the issue is, but it's getting old. Fast.

So, there seems to be a lot of drama in my circle of friends. I'm going to start with not my problems but things I think are hilarious anyway.

It seems a former roommate of mine has moved back in with his parents. Why? Because his old roommate had 7 people living in their apartment. Seven. No kidding. Her, her youngest daughters (who, at the beginning, we're supposed to be living with their dad half the time), her oldest daughter and her... husband? I think they're working things out. Oh, and her granddaughter. Yep. All of them. In a two bedroom apartment. I'm not sure how. There is a clear division in the ranks. My current roommate is not on speaking terms with him. I think they're all batshit crazy and I'm going to sit in my house and pretend it's not happening because fuck those guys.

Oh. The best part is when Robbie said this. Her "friend" is Brett. The latter part is about Christian. "I hope my friend gets the help they really need and stop taking advice from someone who has no life and no ambition to get one."

I will respond to that with a quote of my own. "If irony were water, this apartment would be Lake Michigan right now." - Marten Reed

Anyway. I want to tell you a new story, blog, and I want you to tell me how you would feel.

Ahem. It's a little after ten at night. Your friend has just gotten off work. Bored, you text your friend and say "Hey. What's up?" Mere minutes later your friend responds. "Not much. Mind if I head over soon?" "Sure" you respond, excited to finally be doing SOMETHING today. A half hour later and your friend isn't here yet. Is something wrong? So you text, to make sure. "Hey, you good?" Your friend responds "Sorry. Been running around trying to get stuff ready. We're playing beer pong tonight* Sorry to be a dick and cancel last minute. You're welcome to come over!"

*The game was canceled the night prior and involved your friend and some coworkers.

Now tell me, blog, is this something you might be a little irritated at? Perhaps a little hurt as well. The fact that it took a half hour to find something better to do. Now, I admit, at least you got a text back, blog. It's better than not hearing anything at all. However, if I were you, blog, I would be irritated. A lesser man might find himself downright angry at all of this. Let's thank the powers that I, and you, are not lesser men. In fact, we're not men at all. Joke's on them.

But seriously I was fucking pissed.

And then crap for brains over here. Look, dude, I know that you're unsure of stuff. I know that you're 21 years old and you're not sure if you want to be with your boyfriend and you're definitely not sure if you want to move forever away so you can live with him. I get it. It's stressful. Relationships are like that. But... seriously? First of all, you're getting upset over petty shit. So what if he doesn't like soccer and doesn't want to learn? He doesn't ridicule you, doesn't complain about you watching it and playing it. Then so what? Fucking live with it.

And, it's funny, cos he had "such a bad feeling. something is going to go wrong." about tonight. And I just got a text saying "best night ever!!!"

I like helping people. I'm loyal to a fault. But seriously. Time to fly on your own, little birdie. Or I'ma push you out. And goddamnit quit texting me I haven't answered in three hours argh.

Anyway. Other than that, shit's alright. Work is utter hell lately, but we're doin'. Lots of fun to be had with the clique. (What? There are people I trust and like, and there are people I want to go away. The clique is the former.) I'm trying to stay on track with school. Trying to pay this semester. Trying to figure out why Greek Philosophy isn't offered in the fall oh god what am I supposed to do kdfrsdf.

Trivia is soon. I'm excited to have a weekend off. Maybe spend it with my most favorite people? Eh? EH?

Eh. I have a district meeting in the morning. Blog, does it hurt your GPA to withdraw from a class? There's no way I'm going to pass comm. No way. Seriously. I missed the midterm.

Also, today I was reminded of a note I wrote two years ago. It was a bunch of random facts about me. It's good to know that I'm still pretty much the same. Maybe I should make my next blog post like that? Not like it matters, blog. You know more about me than most anyone. I am le open book. Yes, le open book.

Yep. I should sleep.

I'm not tired. I want to write.

GODDAMNIT VINYL SLEEP.

EEP.

[boom]