Goodbye sad man, cos all this pain is getting old

Isn't it weird how things counteract so perfectly, sometimes?

For every good thing in your life, a bad. For every bad day, a good. Karma comes in threes, a bad deed nets you that. A good deed... gives you the promise of a bad day and when a bad day looms it's head you've gotta fight through it knowing there's a good one coming. Eventually.

Without the bad days, there's no concept of the good. Without knowing how it feels to be down on your luck, sad, angry, hurt, irritated, or depressed, you have no idea of what it's like to be mind-numbingly happy. There's no elation without depression. No happiness without hurt. Not even a health without a sick.

It's amazing to think of how things can change within even a 24 hour period.

For instance. One day, I could be at work and just... Murphy's Law. Everything goes wrong. Important jobs aren't done from the day before. Jobs that need to be done if I'm supposed to do my own properly. Busy days. More people in the store than should be legally allowable. I'm behind. Two hours behind, eventually. Everything is frustrating. Everything is building up. At one point, I feel like if I walked out the doors and never came back, it would be a suitable way to deal with how utterly livid I am. Threaten to stab someone for cracking a joke. I'm not in the mood. Not like there's any people from my store there, anyway. My frustration builds in the back of my throat. I either am going to punch something (which didn't help the first three times), yell at someone (which didn't help, it just made me feel worse), or start crying because there's no other outlet. Grit my teeth, push harder. Work faster. Say nothing to anyone. Just work. Head down.

Go home. I don't work early (well, not at 2am) the next day. Try to see friends because I'm still seething at home. Can't get a nap because the neighbors are basically yelling in the open window. Get frustrated. Plans fall through. Pretend I don't care. Brush it all off. Text the best friend. Doesn't answer. Convince myself it's not because she's ignoring me. It's not because of some bullshit "protection" reason. Just bad at phones sometimes. In the back of my mind, I can't convince myself of anything. I'm trying. I'm not being ignored. No one answers their phone. I need a drink. I need a smoke. No. Don't do either. Just kidding. Try to go for a drive. Driving knee feels like someone's pounding a spike into it. Decide to go home. Go to bed angry and hurt. Go home feeling like shit, feeling abandoned by everyone close to me. I never said it was logical. Fuck everyone. I've gone it alone before, I can do it again. I don't need anyone. Expect tomorrow to be full of fuck.

Tomorrow is not full of fuck.

Tomorrow is amazing. Tomorrow goes by incredibly quickly. Tomorrow has a great crew, full of pseudo-sexual tension, and a trainee that listens. It's a gorgeous day. I'm not tired after a 10 hour day. Everything is marvelous. Walk outside at 4 o clock and feel the sun warm my skin. It's fantastic. The heat is great.

See all the connections? How a dark day, a day where I hated almost everyone, turns into a good day. I don't hate everyone. It was a day that I was just... frustrated. When things start going wrong, I get frustration and every mole hill is a mountain. Sunday was the exact, near perfect opposite.

I feel bad because I feel all these.. feelings when I'm mad. Well, some of them I feel while not mad but it's exaggerated when I'm angry. Angry and hurt. A story of my life. Paramore's song Miracle starts like this "I've gone for too long, living like I'm not alive, so I'm gonna start over tonight." From the same song, she also says "I just want, no, I just need this pain to end right... here." (I need to add this song to my favorites.)

I don't know how to start over, but I know how to get better. And correct me if I'm wrong, blog, but I feel that I have. A little at least. My days are perfect, but they're my days to have. Besides, no one sees those days anymore because I live with a ghost and I'm at the stage where I don't want to bother anyone. Again. I wish I could stop feeling like that. I know it's not true. I know I could call lots of people if I was sad. But I don't. Maybe I'm a bit stubborn. Maybe I want to protect my friends, too.

Take the good with the bad. Good start.

Everything happens for a reason. It's not faith if, if you use your eyes. (More Miracle quotes)

One more year. Just one.

[boom]

Oh I swear to ya, I'll be there for ya, this is not a drive-by

Holy crap I actually finished a new chapter. It's only been a month since I've posted something. Probably closer to two since I posted an actual chapter.

Still working on the tattoo idea. I'm close to coming up with something I really like. You know that feeling when you know you're almost on the brink of being a genus but you're not QUITE there. So close, yet so far away. Almost...

I bought some badass speakers the other day. Two actual speakers and a subwoofer. The sound is great. And it plugs into anything as it's literally just a headphone jack at the end. iPods, Zunes, Blackberrys, Andriods, Computers... anything. It's awesome. My regular speakers can't even handle this shit. Definitely don't like using the stock speakers anymore. I am a tech-whore.

I really don't want to go to work for ten hours tonight. At all. It's not even the working for ten hours part. I'm mostly desensitized to that. It's that I have to work until 2am tonight. Then I have tomorrow "off". And then I work at 2am on Saturday. So, yeah, I have about 24 hours off. The most awkward 24 hours ever.

I hate my job sometimes.

I just keep saying, one more year. That's all I have left. Then I can either move away or get a new job. I just need to get my degree.

I just need motivation to get my degree.

I just need to remind myself that I need motivation to get my degree so I can get a new job/store.

Easy, right?

Just one more year. One more.

[boom]

And I have seen what holding on can take away

I have the weekend off. That is fucking WEIRD. I literally almost fell over. Aaaaaand then I remembered that it's spring break next week so I have to work all week and I probably only got a weekend off cos Michelle felt bad cos I work every weekend. But whatever, I'll take it. Starting at 11 tomorrow morning I... guess I'm actually doing jack shit. Drat.

It's weird knowing that's only the Ides of March today. I keep thinking it's like, fucking June. Which would be sweet cos then I would be going up north soon. Evs.

I seriously don't think I've ever been so excited for a 2am shift. The problem is, I know my brain will be racing. Because it always is at 2am. It just sucks cos when I'm awake that early, I'm sleepy. Sometimes I am not in a good mood or whatever. I have ZERO distractions then. So all I can do is emoly frost donuts sometimes.

But then sometimes I think of stupid shit I hear and see and it makes me smile. The last few months I've been getting better at not just self-loathingly sitting on my couch and actually trying to make myself feel better. Sometimes I want to ask for help but... I don't. That's the part of me that will never get over being a burden to people, even when I know that's fucking retarded and knock it off brain you are not a burden people like you pretty okay.

I blame Jeph for any and all run-ons I ever use. Ever.

Woah, Yellowcard cover of Michelle Branch's "Everywhere". Awesome.

So, I've noticed I don't do things for myself. My intentions are always ingrained within someone or something else. School, for example. When I was living with someone who was also in school (either in the dorms or at the house) I was motivated to keep going to class and try to do some homework. Maybe it was for show, maybe it was just to appease other people, maybe it was to keep them off my case, I don't know. I think that's my problem. It's like I need a babysitter. Okay, I don't NEED one, but I think my problem is that I feel like "who cares? I'll have a philosophy degree AWESOME." But when I think of people being disappointed in me for fucking up and never getting my degree (dad) then I'm like "well shit, I need to finish this."

The same reason I quit smoking all those years ago. Someone told me they didn't like it, so like an obedient puppy, I quit. Just... quit. I mean, it's not like I'm a HUGE smoker but it still sucked. And I think I'll continue to be a drunk until someone says "You know, you should really cut back on drinking before you get out of hand." And then I will.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a blatant disregard of my own body and life until someone I respect and care about says that it would be disappointing to watch me do stupid shit. Actually, that sounds pretty accurate. That's probably what it is. Huh. How about that.

I just seriously had to weigh out which blog I was going to add something to. I am kind of strange. You knew that, though.

I'll just add it here, cos I'm here. "Sometimes I want to ask if we could ever get a tattoo together. Not a giant her face on my stomach, either. Just to go get a tattoo with my favorite person. Even if it wasn't those tattoos that we had designed, just a tattoo with someone who I think is going to be around for awhile. But then I don't ask because I don't want to be creepy or whatever. My brain is toxic."

So there's that! I'm gonna go... place.

I seriously almost bought a Rainbow Dash cutie mark for my car. I have not totally dismissed the idea. I am the element of loyalty, as I've said before. I need help.

[boom]

Words with Friends is Stupid.

But I will keep playing games until I win. Damnit.

Anyway. Hi blog. How are you? Doing well, I hope. But I know you'd never pretend to be well, and then not be well, right blog? Cos that's silly.

Me? I'm bored and I have zero motivation to do the things I need to do. I just.. don't... care. At all. Not even a little bit.

Nope.

So that's why I chose today to go over the 2000+ messages in my deviantart inbox. They aren't like facebook notifications wherein I'm getting all these comments. They're more like "hey you're part of this group look at all the neat stuff that got posted."

And I. Went through. It all.

I have no motivation for anything meaningful.

Though, I really want to keep writing right now. I'm trying out Jeph's storyboard idea, thing. He mentioned that sometimes when he can't think of a script, he just does something else and lets his subconscious take over and work with everything. Now, obviously, I'm not looking for a script. You could write the same thing with the same details. My story isn't rocket science. But I'm particular with HOW I write, with WHAT I write. And I know that I need to get Vinyl to be, as only Vinyl is, insecure about what happened between her and Octavia in the last chapter. Is she happy? That's an understatement. But if Vinyl is the insecure unicorn that I think she is, she's going to go from "OMGYAY" to "OMGWHATIFEVERYTHINGISRUINED."

Because, you know, Vinyl is like that. Not... not me. Nope.

I really want to buy a Vinyl shirt (the reflecty one) or maybe find a cool Rainbow Dash shirt (you know, she IS the Element of Loyalty) but I just... I dunno. I want to, and my most of me doesn't care if people know I watch this show, but some of me does. Also, I need money for other stuff. Not shirts.

Speaking of money, this is the part where I say that I really, really, really, really wish you'd stop 'fighting'* me on this whole up north thing, Blog. Either way, I'm paying for two people, which is fine. I really couldn't care less. The only difference is whether or not two people get to enjoy it or one.




*I say fighting, but it's not fighting. More like, I really wish you'd stop being stubborn. But I know jobs happen sometimes too. Which sucks. But... the money thing is a non-issue as far as I'm concerned. It'll be fun. =(. I am literally pouting right now and this is a long footnote.

P.S. Blogger, your HTML editing for font sizes REALLY FUCKING BLOWS. Work on that.

[boom]

Boom Boom Clap, Boom de Clap de Clap

Welp. I'm home. Oh yay.

That's not a bad thing. I like being home. I think I just am sick of trying to be responsible. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to class. I just want to sit around and be a lazy ass.

I don't know why. It's not like anything in my life is really difficult right now. I think I'm just tired. Oh well. I'll get over it.

I really want to write. But I don't know if I can. It's not like I have to come up with the story; the story is already written. I just can't find the words. And that's frustrating. I feel like I'm just... abandoning people. Like, I know no one is going to cry themselves to sleep over it but I feel like I have an audience, including you Blog, and I want to adhere to you all. Not like you need the story retold. But you seem to enjoy it as much as everyone else does. And I don't want to not finish it. It's a great story. I just.. bah. I don't know what my issue is. Maybe if I tried again...

So, part of me thought of a neat little idea on my drive home today. I was, literally, screaming along to some music. I couldn't hear shit and my voice, which is already not awesome, was almost completely gone. Why? Because I wanted to. Because I like to drive and when I drive I like to listen to music and when I listen to music sometimes a song hits me. There are some songs out there that I literally think could have been written FOR me. It's crazy. Not every song fits like a glove, but some do. It's like "How... what?!" And I guess I wanted to post some of those lyrics and just... I dunno, explain why? Not that either you or I care, Blog. It was just a thought. It wasn't nearly as good of a blog idea as the one I had last time I drove home.

I might do that yet. I have to... choose the right lyrics.
... I should just do it now. I have the playlist. *rustle rustle*. Bonus points if you guess the song before I say it.

"When all that is waiting for you won't come any closer, you've got to reach out a little more."
Careful by Paramore

This one... it's kind of interesting for me. I mean, music being the relate-able fuck that it is, sometimes leaves things vague enough for anyone to attach to. This might be one of those, but I feel like a lot of times in my life, I've had everything in control but just... waited for it to fall in my lap. I guess this one has motivated me in the past, and will motivate me in the future, to see the bigger picture and really work for what I want. Sometimes, life isn't fair, but I feel like I have a good grasp on the difference between want, need, and impossible to have. This song, and this lyric, is always there to say "Stop being a dummy, dummy, and go get yo shit!".

... Alright, so, I just realized that I really only wanted to do this so I could mention this song/lyric.

"I'm on my guard for the rest of the world, but with you, I know it's no good."
Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift

It's almost irritating. It's like... goddamnit. Even if I WANTED to keep something from you, Blog, I couldn't. There are a million and a half times when we're talking that I'm like "WHY DID I JUST SAY/ADMIT THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME."

A perfect example: The hair. The goddamn hair. It's a perfect example because there was NO NEED to say it. At all. I could have just said "Eh, it looks fine." I could have been smug. I could have said nothing at all. But what did me and my dumbass do? Willingly, and unprovoked, I admitted how... to be blunt, how ridiculously hot I thought it was. (Also, I would feel a LOT more awkward saying that to anyone else. I don't know why I don't with you. Also, whatever, you like it. Kiiiind of the same way I called you an asshole for asking if I "still had a thing for brunettes" but, whatever, we both know I liked it.) WHY? I have no idea why. Because I just kind of... lose my filter I guess. I can hide anything from anyone at any time, except you. Um. Blog.

I know we've talked about it. I just... it baffles me. And I think that song just caught my ear because when I get hit with those green eyes (Whatever, they're green. Not hazel. I will fight that until the end. When do you ever look into your own eyes? Mirrors don't count.) I just kind of forget that I have to hide anything. I don't have to be cool all the time. I don't have to pretend I'm awesome if I'm not. I can just be. I can be me and that is perfectly acceptable and I love it.

It's just... it's just nice. And I hope that that's sort of a two way street. Though, it's not like you pretend to be someone you're not, Blog. You don't usually mince words. You also are the stoicism to my empathy. I mean, when you have feelings to share, I like to think that I'm one of the handful that gets to hear those feelings.

Maybe I'm wrong though.

I don't think I am a fake person, by the way. I like to think that I am not fake at all. I guess sometimes I feel like I have a persona to uphold, and it's nice when I don't have to worry constantly if what I'm doing or saying is okay.

I have no idea why I'm writing this anymore. My neck hurts, I can't stop coughing, and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Oh, and, I'm not using my Tumblr anymore. Just for keeping all the ones I follow in one place. Because, fuck it, I'll say it eventually. Either that, or I've got to quit being a Dante.

[boom]