Goodbye sad man, cos all this pain is getting old

Isn't it weird how things counteract so perfectly, sometimes?

For every good thing in your life, a bad. For every bad day, a good. Karma comes in threes, a bad deed nets you that. A good deed... gives you the promise of a bad day and when a bad day looms it's head you've gotta fight through it knowing there's a good one coming. Eventually.

Without the bad days, there's no concept of the good. Without knowing how it feels to be down on your luck, sad, angry, hurt, irritated, or depressed, you have no idea of what it's like to be mind-numbingly happy. There's no elation without depression. No happiness without hurt. Not even a health without a sick.

It's amazing to think of how things can change within even a 24 hour period.

For instance. One day, I could be at work and just... Murphy's Law. Everything goes wrong. Important jobs aren't done from the day before. Jobs that need to be done if I'm supposed to do my own properly. Busy days. More people in the store than should be legally allowable. I'm behind. Two hours behind, eventually. Everything is frustrating. Everything is building up. At one point, I feel like if I walked out the doors and never came back, it would be a suitable way to deal with how utterly livid I am. Threaten to stab someone for cracking a joke. I'm not in the mood. Not like there's any people from my store there, anyway. My frustration builds in the back of my throat. I either am going to punch something (which didn't help the first three times), yell at someone (which didn't help, it just made me feel worse), or start crying because there's no other outlet. Grit my teeth, push harder. Work faster. Say nothing to anyone. Just work. Head down.

Go home. I don't work early (well, not at 2am) the next day. Try to see friends because I'm still seething at home. Can't get a nap because the neighbors are basically yelling in the open window. Get frustrated. Plans fall through. Pretend I don't care. Brush it all off. Text the best friend. Doesn't answer. Convince myself it's not because she's ignoring me. It's not because of some bullshit "protection" reason. Just bad at phones sometimes. In the back of my mind, I can't convince myself of anything. I'm trying. I'm not being ignored. No one answers their phone. I need a drink. I need a smoke. No. Don't do either. Just kidding. Try to go for a drive. Driving knee feels like someone's pounding a spike into it. Decide to go home. Go to bed angry and hurt. Go home feeling like shit, feeling abandoned by everyone close to me. I never said it was logical. Fuck everyone. I've gone it alone before, I can do it again. I don't need anyone. Expect tomorrow to be full of fuck.

Tomorrow is not full of fuck.

Tomorrow is amazing. Tomorrow goes by incredibly quickly. Tomorrow has a great crew, full of pseudo-sexual tension, and a trainee that listens. It's a gorgeous day. I'm not tired after a 10 hour day. Everything is marvelous. Walk outside at 4 o clock and feel the sun warm my skin. It's fantastic. The heat is great.

See all the connections? How a dark day, a day where I hated almost everyone, turns into a good day. I don't hate everyone. It was a day that I was just... frustrated. When things start going wrong, I get frustration and every mole hill is a mountain. Sunday was the exact, near perfect opposite.

I feel bad because I feel all these.. feelings when I'm mad. Well, some of them I feel while not mad but it's exaggerated when I'm angry. Angry and hurt. A story of my life. Paramore's song Miracle starts like this "I've gone for too long, living like I'm not alive, so I'm gonna start over tonight." From the same song, she also says "I just want, no, I just need this pain to end right... here." (I need to add this song to my favorites.)

I don't know how to start over, but I know how to get better. And correct me if I'm wrong, blog, but I feel that I have. A little at least. My days are perfect, but they're my days to have. Besides, no one sees those days anymore because I live with a ghost and I'm at the stage where I don't want to bother anyone. Again. I wish I could stop feeling like that. I know it's not true. I know I could call lots of people if I was sad. But I don't. Maybe I'm a bit stubborn. Maybe I want to protect my friends, too.

Take the good with the bad. Good start.

Everything happens for a reason. It's not faith if, if you use your eyes. (More Miracle quotes)

One more year. Just one.

[boom]