And I have seen what holding on can take away

I have the weekend off. That is fucking WEIRD. I literally almost fell over. Aaaaaand then I remembered that it's spring break next week so I have to work all week and I probably only got a weekend off cos Michelle felt bad cos I work every weekend. But whatever, I'll take it. Starting at 11 tomorrow morning I... guess I'm actually doing jack shit. Drat.

It's weird knowing that's only the Ides of March today. I keep thinking it's like, fucking June. Which would be sweet cos then I would be going up north soon. Evs.

I seriously don't think I've ever been so excited for a 2am shift. The problem is, I know my brain will be racing. Because it always is at 2am. It just sucks cos when I'm awake that early, I'm sleepy. Sometimes I am not in a good mood or whatever. I have ZERO distractions then. So all I can do is emoly frost donuts sometimes.

But then sometimes I think of stupid shit I hear and see and it makes me smile. The last few months I've been getting better at not just self-loathingly sitting on my couch and actually trying to make myself feel better. Sometimes I want to ask for help but... I don't. That's the part of me that will never get over being a burden to people, even when I know that's fucking retarded and knock it off brain you are not a burden people like you pretty okay.

I blame Jeph for any and all run-ons I ever use. Ever.

Woah, Yellowcard cover of Michelle Branch's "Everywhere". Awesome.

So, I've noticed I don't do things for myself. My intentions are always ingrained within someone or something else. School, for example. When I was living with someone who was also in school (either in the dorms or at the house) I was motivated to keep going to class and try to do some homework. Maybe it was for show, maybe it was just to appease other people, maybe it was to keep them off my case, I don't know. I think that's my problem. It's like I need a babysitter. Okay, I don't NEED one, but I think my problem is that I feel like "who cares? I'll have a philosophy degree AWESOME." But when I think of people being disappointed in me for fucking up and never getting my degree (dad) then I'm like "well shit, I need to finish this."

The same reason I quit smoking all those years ago. Someone told me they didn't like it, so like an obedient puppy, I quit. Just... quit. I mean, it's not like I'm a HUGE smoker but it still sucked. And I think I'll continue to be a drunk until someone says "You know, you should really cut back on drinking before you get out of hand." And then I will.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a blatant disregard of my own body and life until someone I respect and care about says that it would be disappointing to watch me do stupid shit. Actually, that sounds pretty accurate. That's probably what it is. Huh. How about that.

I just seriously had to weigh out which blog I was going to add something to. I am kind of strange. You knew that, though.

I'll just add it here, cos I'm here. "Sometimes I want to ask if we could ever get a tattoo together. Not a giant her face on my stomach, either. Just to go get a tattoo with my favorite person. Even if it wasn't those tattoos that we had designed, just a tattoo with someone who I think is going to be around for awhile. But then I don't ask because I don't want to be creepy or whatever. My brain is toxic."

So there's that! I'm gonna go... place.

I seriously almost bought a Rainbow Dash cutie mark for my car. I have not totally dismissed the idea. I am the element of loyalty, as I've said before. I need help.

[boom]