Dear John,

I see it all now that you're gone. Dontcha think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole, way, home... I should'a known.

#Dontjudge #stopbeingsosmug

Dear Princess Celestia-

FUCK. No, that's not what I meant to type. Start over.

Dear blog,

Yes, it is true, I have something special for you to see. But I have to finish it first. For those of you asking (<______<) it is not like that story I wrote and never let you see because... because you will get to SEE this. Just... not yet. I am working feverishly on it. I swear. But work gets in the way. My shortest shift in this five day stretch is 9 hours. And now my car window is broken again. That is something that I am ready to scream about. TWICE in the last few months. Clearly they didn't fix it right the first time, huh? Fuckers. Also could be my annual have shitty-luck-with-your-car-around-Thanksgiving thing. So... there's that.

Besides, I didn't know you wanted to actually see the last one, blog. Though, I'm not sure why I ask anymore. The answer is usually "shut up and let me see it you stupid hipster." You and I have an aggressive relationship, blog. By aggressive, I mean we actively bicker with each other, but for fun's sake. I enjoy it. But rest assured I will lay some smack down if need be.

ANYWAY. Yes, I will have something to show you. If I can get my friend's help (not incredibly likely at this point, but I will continue trying) I will have TWO things. That will be awesome. Though, I might be able to do it myself... hmm.

ANYWAY. AGAIN. I LIKE YELLING. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLbutts.

I should really go to bed. I have to work in 8 hours. * maniacal laughter* Right, because, you know, sleep is always important to me.

Oh, did I tell you blog? I don't remember. I put boots to asses (as I am so prone to doing) and I'm going back to school in the spring. I'm kind of excited. Maybe I should hide my PS3 controllers though. And my DVDs. And my laptop... fuck. Well, I'm going into next semester with one thing on my mind: being great. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes some of the Packers I follow are motivating. Greg Jennings is always talking about being great, how today is a great day to be great... and yeah. Next semester I'm gonna be great. *puts on belt* aww yeah.

Also, the boots to asses thing is another motivator. But that's for work. Gonna put me in charge? Expect boots to asses man.

I am a lot of things. Nerdy, goofy (both in looks and actions), not-an-idiot, a gamer, a writer, self-loathing, loyal, empathetic, lazy... but I am also capable of doing work. Chalk one up... for the bad guy!

I'm getting silly. I think I'm sleepy.
...Nah.
[boom]

Why you gotta be so mean?

Oh, uh, hey blog. Haven't seen you in a minute.

Look, I'm kind of in the middle of something, okay? It's kind of consuming most of my time, but I think it'll be worth it. I hope.

C'mon. Don't give me that look. It's just a little side project. Something I wanted to do and decided... eh, might as well. I'll letcha see if when I'm done. If you want to, that is.

For now, I'm gonna go work on it and wonder if I have a tumor because I keep getting these headaches.

lol, fun with HTML. I wish I could do that with more sites.

[boom]

I'll numb the pain til I am made of stone

I was late. I failed the challenge. Let's go again. I'll make it up to you this time.

I actually went to bed at a normal time last night. Almost did it again tonight, too. I don't know what it is, but I hate going to bed at night. Hate it. A lot. I wish I was exaggerating. I'm not. I can't explain it. I love to sleep. I can sleep for hours if you let me. I like getting up around 10-11. It's weird. I'm weird.

I did something stupid today. I heard a song (that's not the stupid part). I text someone that spent the entire summer confusing the ever-loving shit out of me. I had over a month of peace and quiet. I needed that. I needed to get distance and perspective. Tonight, I heard a song by Evanescence (see title lyric. Also, see this whole album. Pretty sure the band wrote the whole thing for me. Honest.) and I thought of this lady. And I heard it again because it's great angry music. (Go ahead, look up Made of Stone... I'll wait.....
.....
....
...
..
.
Good, eh?)

And I thought of how much of a jerk I was being for ignoring my problems, ignoring a person that considered me a close friend. I felt like a jerk now, but I needed to do it. Ignoring my problems makes them go away for awhile. Long enough for me to get away from my head. So I sent a text. But I was very clear. I said that I needed the space partially because I had no idea what she was thinking, what she was feeling. And I needed time to get over it so it wasn't an issue. To be clear to me, to you, I don't know if I got over it. But I was very clear. So I feel good about that. I got no response back. But... whatever. Straight women are confusing as fuck. If it's not one, it's another. If it's not this last one, it's the one who acts like she wants to fuck me. Whatever man. Hakunah matata.

I should really get that tattoo'd on me someday. Symbol and everything. I just need money.

[real blogging warning]

I've got my dreams. I've got my realities. I've got my skewed, pessimistic views of reality. I've got faith in the bigger picture. I've got all of those things. And sometimes, a little faith in myself, in my life, is what I need. And sometimes... by which I mean, usually, it doesn't mean a fucking thing. But it's there. It's always there.

I don't change. I just find new ways to stay the same. - This is a thought I had today. Why does it sound so fucking familiar? Like I'm stealing someone else's thunder.

I loose myself in things. People see me as loyal. I am loyal. I'm loyal to people. It's my element, if you will. But I also dive into things and commit... for a while. When I'm running from something, from my thoughts, from my emotions, I find something to hide behind. This summer, it was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yeah, laugh it up, Internet. It's a good show. Now it's turning to football. Memes. Cartoons. Madden 12. Pick one. I'm never in the silence for long. I never let my brain rest. When I do, I end up needing people. I don't want to need people. People are too busy for me. People have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends, better things to do. I distract myself from the pain. Never fully alone. Never in the silence. I quit drinking every night. I cut back on smoking except my one after work. They didn't help. Submersing myself in side jobs, in my daily job... it takes the edge off. Nothing is worse than being idle. I'm idle at work when I do donuts, it's terrible when Matt's not there. I have nothing to distract me. I need the distraction. I need people to see me happy. I need people to see the version of me they want to see. With distractions, with a busy mind... I'm happy. Usually.

And maybe... just maybe... it's why I don't sleep at night.

[boom]