I'll numb the pain til I am made of stone

I was late. I failed the challenge. Let's go again. I'll make it up to you this time.

I actually went to bed at a normal time last night. Almost did it again tonight, too. I don't know what it is, but I hate going to bed at night. Hate it. A lot. I wish I was exaggerating. I'm not. I can't explain it. I love to sleep. I can sleep for hours if you let me. I like getting up around 10-11. It's weird. I'm weird.

I did something stupid today. I heard a song (that's not the stupid part). I text someone that spent the entire summer confusing the ever-loving shit out of me. I had over a month of peace and quiet. I needed that. I needed to get distance and perspective. Tonight, I heard a song by Evanescence (see title lyric. Also, see this whole album. Pretty sure the band wrote the whole thing for me. Honest.) and I thought of this lady. And I heard it again because it's great angry music. (Go ahead, look up Made of Stone... I'll wait.....
.....
....
...
..
.
Good, eh?)

And I thought of how much of a jerk I was being for ignoring my problems, ignoring a person that considered me a close friend. I felt like a jerk now, but I needed to do it. Ignoring my problems makes them go away for awhile. Long enough for me to get away from my head. So I sent a text. But I was very clear. I said that I needed the space partially because I had no idea what she was thinking, what she was feeling. And I needed time to get over it so it wasn't an issue. To be clear to me, to you, I don't know if I got over it. But I was very clear. So I feel good about that. I got no response back. But... whatever. Straight women are confusing as fuck. If it's not one, it's another. If it's not this last one, it's the one who acts like she wants to fuck me. Whatever man. Hakunah matata.

I should really get that tattoo'd on me someday. Symbol and everything. I just need money.

[real blogging warning]

I've got my dreams. I've got my realities. I've got my skewed, pessimistic views of reality. I've got faith in the bigger picture. I've got all of those things. And sometimes, a little faith in myself, in my life, is what I need. And sometimes... by which I mean, usually, it doesn't mean a fucking thing. But it's there. It's always there.

I don't change. I just find new ways to stay the same. - This is a thought I had today. Why does it sound so fucking familiar? Like I'm stealing someone else's thunder.

I loose myself in things. People see me as loyal. I am loyal. I'm loyal to people. It's my element, if you will. But I also dive into things and commit... for a while. When I'm running from something, from my thoughts, from my emotions, I find something to hide behind. This summer, it was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yeah, laugh it up, Internet. It's a good show. Now it's turning to football. Memes. Cartoons. Madden 12. Pick one. I'm never in the silence for long. I never let my brain rest. When I do, I end up needing people. I don't want to need people. People are too busy for me. People have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends, better things to do. I distract myself from the pain. Never fully alone. Never in the silence. I quit drinking every night. I cut back on smoking except my one after work. They didn't help. Submersing myself in side jobs, in my daily job... it takes the edge off. Nothing is worse than being idle. I'm idle at work when I do donuts, it's terrible when Matt's not there. I have nothing to distract me. I need the distraction. I need people to see me happy. I need people to see the version of me they want to see. With distractions, with a busy mind... I'm happy. Usually.

And maybe... just maybe... it's why I don't sleep at night.

[boom]