Well, today is the day I've been waiting to get over with, and trying my hardest to not think about.
The weekend was amazing. I got to spend time with the one person on this earth that fully and completely understands me. We had a heart to heart (with booze) on Thursday. It was nice. The nicer part, still, is how easy it is to just... jump right into a conversation. It's not awkward at all (despite us both being a little on the awkward side). Friday was Friday. It was like any other day. Saturday was off the chain (is that what the kids are saying these days?) I had a ridiculous and probably illegal amount of fun. Seriously. Holy shit I have never been that drunk before. Though, unfortunately for me, I still don't think it counts. <_______<.
The best part is that everything felt the same as it had before. Everything was comfortable. Everything was easy. Not that I was surprised. So maybe I was a little nervous that things had completely changed? She's proven time and time again that I'm kind of a tool like that. My words, not hers. The point, though, is that nothing is changing because we have a really strong friendship. And that's not going away. Despite it all, that's not going away. I will maintain that we will be good friends for a very long time. When I said BFF, I wasn't being ironic (well, not totally ironic). I meant every letter. That sounds retarded. THE POINT, is that I have the best kind of best friend and I would do well to remember that, next time I'm wallowing in an endless sea of self-pity. The point, is that there is still room in her life for me (I... think?). The point, is that just because things are changing, doesn't necessarily mean they will be different. Chapters end, but new ones begin. The story keeps on writing and evolving. And I am confident that she is one main character that won't get replaced for a very long time.
I still can't stand being in my house right now though. I can't do it.
Shifting gears for a second. I think the other leading lady of the story might end up going away. Which is a pity. She was a good friend of mine. I guess we'll see what happens. To say that I don't have high hopes is kind of an understatement. We'll see internet, we'll see.
I took tomorrow off work for a reason. I need time before I can pretend to be happy around people I could give a shit about. For right now, I'm going to remind myself of the first couple of paragraphs and the totally awesome weekend I just had, in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.
[boom]
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
I don't know when I got bitter, love is surely better when it's gone
Lyrics by Tonic
Sorry I haven't talked to you lately, blog. I've been... busy. Okay. So I started writing a story. I needed to write it. It's almost done. I think it says a lot when I'm going to finish a story. Maybe. I'm still torn on the ending. Three choices and I don't like one of them. I want all the endings.
It's a... okay, fine. It's a fanfic. I know, I know. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I roleplayed for three years. *Sigh*. I just... I just needed to get this story out, but I didn't want to use the names that... er, that make the story real. I needed a disguise for it (though, if you read it, it's not much of a disguise as to who is who).
Maybe I'll let you read it. If you promise not to judge, blog. I hear people are enjoying it (random strangers on the internet, that is.) I guess it's well written. I don't think I'm a great writer, but I do know that my writing gets better the most upset I am. It brings out the passion and emotion in the piece. I think that's what's happening here.
I'll come back to you soon. Promise. I have a lot to say that won't fit in the story. But right now it's 5:30am and for once I'm tired. So goodnight.
[boo-zzzzzzzzzzz]
Sorry I haven't talked to you lately, blog. I've been... busy. Okay. So I started writing a story. I needed to write it. It's almost done. I think it says a lot when I'm going to finish a story. Maybe. I'm still torn on the ending. Three choices and I don't like one of them. I want all the endings.
It's a... okay, fine. It's a fanfic. I know, I know. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I roleplayed for three years. *Sigh*. I just... I just needed to get this story out, but I didn't want to use the names that... er, that make the story real. I needed a disguise for it (though, if you read it, it's not much of a disguise as to who is who).
Maybe I'll let you read it. If you promise not to judge, blog. I hear people are enjoying it (random strangers on the internet, that is.) I guess it's well written. I don't think I'm a great writer, but I do know that my writing gets better the most upset I am. It brings out the passion and emotion in the piece. I think that's what's happening here.
I'll come back to you soon. Promise. I have a lot to say that won't fit in the story. But right now it's 5:30am and for once I'm tired. So goodnight.
[boo-zzzzzzzzzzz]
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
Lyrics by Brand New.
The best news is, continuing with the theme from my latest sleep madness tweet, is that I think I've successfully steeled myself off. Not Sarah, not Matt, ...well...kind of Emily, can see through it.
If I pretend it's okay, it's okay. If I just...forget about everything, I can live my life every day and no one can tell.
Of course, it helps that the three people that are closest to me, I rarely see. Matt I usually see in passing. We work opposite shifts so it makes it hard to see him often. Emily and Sarah are both no less than 2.5 hours away.
It's so easy to pretend, with just text between the four of us, that I'm content in my life. No one knows how much I drink, how much I smoke, how much time I spend staring at a computer screen, begging for any and all distractions to get me through the night. I don't have to feel like there's no air in my lungs. I don't have to have the sick, pathetic, self-loathing feeling bubbling in the pit of my gut. I don't have to deal with it. I get so little sleep lately that I fall asleep within minutes of hitting the pillow.
This is brave-face at it's finest.
I don't have to worry about telling Sarah all the things I want to tell her. About how I (think) I feel about her. About how she's such a great distraction from life, that I need a distraction from HER. But that's okay. I know who she is and what I am to her. It's not that bad. Just a pang of longing. Just one night, I keep telling myself. One night to hide behind alcohol and just...fucking say everything.
But it's not necessary. She doesn't matter anymore. She's just a friend who's at my side when I need her.
I don't have to worry about looking pathetic in front of Emily. As long as I can keep my emotions in check when I'm texting her (which, I just failed at. Miserably.), then she'll never be the wiser. Why burden her when she's happy where she is? I'm far too good at injecting pathetic sadness and burden onto people. I try to leave her alone as much as possible. Sometimes it's easier than other times.
But she doesn't know any better...so maybe she does. So what? She's also just a friend who's at my side when I need her.
And Matt...well...I don't say much to him at all. He doesn't need to know what's really in my head. No need to look weak in front of him.
But he also doesn't know any better. And it doesn't matter. He's just a bro.
If I hide behind a steely glare, a fake laugh, a cheesy smile...good. I'm sick of being the burden. Sick of being the sad one, the lonely one. Sick of people not telling me things so they don't hurt me.
I'll wear brave-face as long as I have to, to convince my friends that everything's alright and life is great and we're all friends.
It's time I really, really steeled myself off. It's time I let my emotions go and just lived the way people want me to be. Happy. At least, content. And that's how it'll be.
They'll never be the wiser.
The best news is, continuing with the theme from my latest sleep madness tweet, is that I think I've successfully steeled myself off. Not Sarah, not Matt, ...well...kind of Emily, can see through it.
If I pretend it's okay, it's okay. If I just...forget about everything, I can live my life every day and no one can tell.
Of course, it helps that the three people that are closest to me, I rarely see. Matt I usually see in passing. We work opposite shifts so it makes it hard to see him often. Emily and Sarah are both no less than 2.5 hours away.
It's so easy to pretend, with just text between the four of us, that I'm content in my life. No one knows how much I drink, how much I smoke, how much time I spend staring at a computer screen, begging for any and all distractions to get me through the night. I don't have to feel like there's no air in my lungs. I don't have to have the sick, pathetic, self-loathing feeling bubbling in the pit of my gut. I don't have to deal with it. I get so little sleep lately that I fall asleep within minutes of hitting the pillow.
This is brave-face at it's finest.
I don't have to worry about telling Sarah all the things I want to tell her. About how I (think) I feel about her. About how she's such a great distraction from life, that I need a distraction from HER. But that's okay. I know who she is and what I am to her. It's not that bad. Just a pang of longing. Just one night, I keep telling myself. One night to hide behind alcohol and just...fucking say everything.
But it's not necessary. She doesn't matter anymore. She's just a friend who's at my side when I need her.
I don't have to worry about looking pathetic in front of Emily. As long as I can keep my emotions in check when I'm texting her (which, I just failed at. Miserably.), then she'll never be the wiser. Why burden her when she's happy where she is? I'm far too good at injecting pathetic sadness and burden onto people. I try to leave her alone as much as possible. Sometimes it's easier than other times.
But she doesn't know any better...so maybe she does. So what? She's also just a friend who's at my side when I need her.
And Matt...well...I don't say much to him at all. He doesn't need to know what's really in my head. No need to look weak in front of him.
But he also doesn't know any better. And it doesn't matter. He's just a bro.
If I hide behind a steely glare, a fake laugh, a cheesy smile...good. I'm sick of being the burden. Sick of being the sad one, the lonely one. Sick of people not telling me things so they don't hurt me.
I'll wear brave-face as long as I have to, to convince my friends that everything's alright and life is great and we're all friends.
It's time I really, really steeled myself off. It's time I let my emotions go and just lived the way people want me to be. Happy. At least, content. And that's how it'll be.
They'll never be the wiser.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What the fuck did I just write?
I went for a long drive today. Lots of stuff on my mind, you see. Which happens sometimes. The problem is that right now, away from the safety of nature, away from music so loud I can't possibly try to think...it all comes back. At the same time. And in the swirling whirlwind of thoughts that are constantly thrashing within my mind, it's sometimes hard to pick out just one and exploit it.
I really wanted to write a poem here. I think that last sentence was my attempt at doing so. I'm going to keep trying.
As I drove past the calm Wisconsin river, my mind altered it's path. I was empty, alone, confused, hurt...and finally calm. Underneath the green canopy of trees, the sunlight streaming gently through the leaves and touching and quiet lawns of a beautiful sunny day, I felt calm. I'm not sure why. I didn't feel right. I could still feel turmoil rumbling inside of me, but I felt calm.
I can't explain it. I don't know. I don't know much right now.
I once wrote a poem that I called "numbness and emotion". I know, the idea of being numb and full of emotion seems counter-intuitive. But think about it for a second. Think for a second that when things happen, you immediately numb yourself to them. (Something I used to be so good at, something I'm getting better at again. Something that I'm not sure if I'm proud of. More on that later.) If you're numb, it doesn't hurt. You walk around amongst friends and smile, laugh, drink, have fun. But really think about that. When everyone is gone, when you're alone in your thoughts, staring up at a dark ceiling with nothing but the dull hum of a fan to break the deafening silence...what's there? Are you still numb? To an extent...if you're good. But really dig deep, you're not just numb. The inside of your mind is a hurricane of pain that you're experiencing only a fraction at a time. It's the dull roar in the back of your head that keeps you staring into the darkness, wishing that something good would happen. That part of you that wishes that all the hurt, all the pain would go away, that's the emotion. It's always there. You can numb it on the outside, you can make it so you're not clutching your chest, wishing that empty, dead feeling would go away. You're not numb at all, you're feeling every bit of pain that's trapped inside of you.
It's so hard to explain. And I guess I'm doing a terrible job of it because I can't quite gather my thoughts. I think i'm also distracted because it's hot, because I'm tired, because there's a blonde girl that confuses the holy shit out of me. Internet, does a girl typically ask to "snuggle" with someone she isn't at least somewhat interested in? Does she constantly make remarks like "I wish you were here!" and "I miss you!" and then there was the playful indecision as to whether or not she would "swing that way". There was something off about it but I'm too lazy to type the transcript.
ANYWAY.
So I'm numbing myself again. I think. I'm not sure. For awhile I was freely talking to people when I was upset and sorting it out and then it was done. Now I'm hiding behind the biggest smile, the heartiest laugh, the smartest zingers. It all falls back to me feeling like I'm being annoying and bothering people. I guess I feel like I'm getting liberated from this self-inflicted prison, but slowly.
I have to stop here. I have no idea what I'm saying and I think I just need to come back when I'm more focused. Until next time.
[boom.]
I really wanted to write a poem here. I think that last sentence was my attempt at doing so. I'm going to keep trying.
As I drove past the calm Wisconsin river, my mind altered it's path. I was empty, alone, confused, hurt...and finally calm. Underneath the green canopy of trees, the sunlight streaming gently through the leaves and touching and quiet lawns of a beautiful sunny day, I felt calm. I'm not sure why. I didn't feel right. I could still feel turmoil rumbling inside of me, but I felt calm.
I can't explain it. I don't know. I don't know much right now.
I once wrote a poem that I called "numbness and emotion". I know, the idea of being numb and full of emotion seems counter-intuitive. But think about it for a second. Think for a second that when things happen, you immediately numb yourself to them. (Something I used to be so good at, something I'm getting better at again. Something that I'm not sure if I'm proud of. More on that later.) If you're numb, it doesn't hurt. You walk around amongst friends and smile, laugh, drink, have fun. But really think about that. When everyone is gone, when you're alone in your thoughts, staring up at a dark ceiling with nothing but the dull hum of a fan to break the deafening silence...what's there? Are you still numb? To an extent...if you're good. But really dig deep, you're not just numb. The inside of your mind is a hurricane of pain that you're experiencing only a fraction at a time. It's the dull roar in the back of your head that keeps you staring into the darkness, wishing that something good would happen. That part of you that wishes that all the hurt, all the pain would go away, that's the emotion. It's always there. You can numb it on the outside, you can make it so you're not clutching your chest, wishing that empty, dead feeling would go away. You're not numb at all, you're feeling every bit of pain that's trapped inside of you.
It's so hard to explain. And I guess I'm doing a terrible job of it because I can't quite gather my thoughts. I think i'm also distracted because it's hot, because I'm tired, because there's a blonde girl that confuses the holy shit out of me. Internet, does a girl typically ask to "snuggle" with someone she isn't at least somewhat interested in? Does she constantly make remarks like "I wish you were here!" and "I miss you!" and then there was the playful indecision as to whether or not she would "swing that way". There was something off about it but I'm too lazy to type the transcript.
ANYWAY.
So I'm numbing myself again. I think. I'm not sure. For awhile I was freely talking to people when I was upset and sorting it out and then it was done. Now I'm hiding behind the biggest smile, the heartiest laugh, the smartest zingers. It all falls back to me feeling like I'm being annoying and bothering people. I guess I feel like I'm getting liberated from this self-inflicted prison, but slowly.
I have to stop here. I have no idea what I'm saying and I think I just need to come back when I'm more focused. Until next time.
[boom.]
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