I love the sound of Spring.

Been meaning to do a new blog, but every time I write something, I delete it.

A lot of my blogs lately have been writen before I go to bed. Not physically written, but in my head. Before I go to sleep.

That should terrify you.

Right now, though, I'm actually kind of tired. So this is a warning blog. I'm not sure what's going to spill out into the next one, but it should be good. And by good, I mean it's definitely something to skip. Probably.

I guess that makes me a jerk with a heartache

[Lyrics by Ani DiFranco]

I don't have a real blog post, really. I just wanted to use that line. Though I did want to note that...

that i'm tired and going to sleep. I could actually blog about things and say the things that are on my mind but...eh, who really cares? I don't even care anymore. It's the same thing over and over again. "Hey, remember that time this happened?" "Remember when we used to do these things?" "Do you miss me/this/that/whatever?"

Yes, it was fun, no.

My biggest fear is that someday I'm going to be living out of my car because I'll have convinced myself that everyone is truly better with me gone. The worst part is that I'm afraid that I'll be proven right. No one will care.

Part of me thinks I'm being disagreeable. Part of me thinks I'm being reasonable.

Most of me is just tired.
Tired of this game.
Tired of making myself feel like shit.
Tired of making the most important person in my life feel helpless to help and frustrated and annoyed.

Just tired.

I'm so pathetic/you made me finally see it

[^Lyrics by Evans Blue...quite honestly it was this song or Kesha. So dont' take offense.]

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder...what if I was the kind of person that wasn't...well, me?

What if I wasn't paranoid. What if I didn't think everyone wanted nothing more than to get rid of me, to get away from me, to forget my existence?

What if I didn't think that I made life kind of shitty for the person that matters most to me?

What if I didn't have to talk about "how well i'm doing" or "how hard i've been trying"? What if I just woke up in the morning and hung out with my favorite person and maybe some other awesome people and lived fucking life?

Maybe if I was a different person, if I was this person, people would like me more. Maybe I wouldn't be as clingy and self-loathing as I am today. Maybe I could actually look at myself in the mirror and not cringe.

Maybe I wouldn't have to fight the urge to post emo/hating lyrics to websites. (and I don't, large in part because I don't want anyone to think i'm targeting them with lyrics. I'm almost always targeting me.)

The truth is, I have been doing well lately. Really well. I've been pretty happy and enjoying life and friends and even, on occasion, work. Today, everything rushed back for a few hours. So much so that I had to leave. Only for a short while though. It wasn't deabilitating. That was refreshing. It was just me being me. Seeing things, hearing things, being around things and taking them out of proportion. And not even that, it was me being paranoid. Really. Honestly. It makes me sick. I almost literally make me sick.

But it's better now. I just...vegged for a few hours. Just stopped and collected myself, then came home and tried to smile some more. And even though I could have sworn that I had done something wrong, I convinced myself that I was full of shit. I didn't want to start something. I didn't even want to ask because I felt like I was blowing things out of proportion again.

I really want to write something about how much I really and truly appreciate the feedback on that christmas present I made. I want to say something slyly but...I also just want to throw it out there. I means the world to me. And, that's a little stupid because it's just a 'thanks that was pretty cool.' But it meant so much.

This is why we -can- have nice things.

And someday, I'll realize that.