Title thanks to Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere. Which is a song I haven't heard in a really long time but is really fucking good still. (Thank god for the internet.)
Good night!
Alright, alright. Time for a real blog. Engage.
I've been really down lately. Why? Stupid reasons, that's why. It's stupid because I hate crying, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and most importantly I hate putting others in a position of "well shit what do I do/say now?". I don't want to be that person, I don't want to go crying to someone else all the time (well...okay, so maybe sometimes I want a shoulder to cry on both literally and figuratively. Sometimes I want to be told that everything's okay.)
I guess things are just changing and it seems like it's almost rapid, yet I don't have any answers at all...nor do I want them, in some cases. For instance, this summer is a huge conundrum that no one really has the answers to. I know how I want it to go, I know who I want here with me for the summer in our house. But, unfortunately, I can't stop things from running their natural course. And I hate it. Here's where the shitty part comes in. I need to know whats going on because if I'm not going to have a permanant roommmate for the summer, I need to let my back up know. Then again, I don't want to think about it. I don't want anyone to say anything about it. I want to pretend that it's not really happening because I can't handle it. I can't. I just can't.
And why is that? Because I'm weak. I don't mean that as a shot at me, I just mean that I can't last without my main support. I did it over December and Janurary and by god if it wasn't the most difficult-to-get-through month that I've had in years. I'm not strong enough to do it. I hate that I've become so dependant, and I'm sure she does too, but there's nothing I can do right now. I'm stuck in a place of not wanting it to hurt/feeling like everything is almost perfect/not wanting to move on even a little bit. I know I'm going to sound like a 15 year old here but I don't want to move on because I feel like anyone else is just going to let me down. What we had was awesomely amazing and even flawed, but that made it right. No one else can touch that. So why should I look? I don't want to. So I'm going to sit and secretly (or not so) wish that everything would be "right" again.
Aaaaand shifting gears for a moment, lets talk about girls (c wut I did thar?). So, when I feel like one is mad at me, I focus on the other to ease the pain. It's like having a crack withdrawl and shooting vodka because I can't get any coke. So, the problem with the vodka is that when I turn to it as a method of pain release, it seems to work too well. It's like the vodka likes when I use it a little too much and that's weird because vodka's lover orange juice is no stranger to me.
Okay, substance metaphor is getting weird and awkward to use. Anyway. I feel like there's this weird thing between me and her but at the same time, I feel like it's just two people hanging out. Perhaps, like most things in my life, I'm reading WAY too much into individial actions and not looking at the big picture. The thing that scares me the most is that somehow I could end up being "the other woman". Laugh if you want, but it scares me that it's even a remotely viable option for this friendship. The single most frightening part about it...is I'm not sure I'd be able to say no. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the internet, is one of the top most terrifying and hopeless thoughts I've ever had.
Anyway. Enough about senarios that are only a problem in my head. (Like I said, I take individual actions and build whole stories on them because I read too much into things and don't take things at face value. That, I do believe, is Rora's fault and I'm trying my damnedest to knock it off. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar....okay, yes, but sometimes it's a penis.)
Maybe part of the reason that I have such a hard time dealing with Blake is because I AM a Blake. I feel hopeless, I'm clingy as all fuck, and I talk too much. Well, that does sound like me. I don't know. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to sit down and just...release the demons that haunt me and just fucking cry about it. But then I just don't. I end up just fuming about it, then I act cranky, then no one wants to talk to me, and finally I feel like a giant douche for the next few hours until I just let it go. (Because, apparently, I'm the only person in the world that can't just 'let it go'. I let it bother me because god forbid I'm not perfect and I should remind myself of this at every possible interval.)
And I'm so paranoid too. Every time there's a lot of typing, every time the phone goes off, every time anything happens at all. It's like everything is a goddamn conspiracy against me. But whhhhyyyy. Why does it have to be like this? It doesn't. And it needs to stop, for the benefit of everyone involved. Someday, I'll do things right.
Anyway. I've been at this for a good hour and it's to the point where my first point is now lost and I keep getting distracted. Let's end this on a good note.
-I am lucky enough to have first world problems
(I.E. Zune not working, Playstation malfunctioning, too many tvs in the house to use, phone being a massive peice of shit.)
-I have the best people around me
(I have the best best friend and everyone else can suck it. Oh, also she's pretty good looking too so everyone else can suck it twice. Also, I have majorly awesome other friends that deserve a shout out too. Suck it three times, you're out. Giggity.)
-I have a steady job.
(eeehhhh oohhh fine. I make good money.)
-I have awesome coworkers
(oh there's what I was looking for before.)
-I own my own house and have a working car
(And I like to think I have a great family, (yes, family, deal with it) within this house. And yes, that includes the pets.)
Boom.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
My 40th Post
It occurs to me that I should update. I'm not really. I'm lazy. Trivia updates and Paramore question of the day, plus dreams and feelings up after this next break.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Waiting for daylight
Better update, lest I get yelled at.
My cats are being super obnoxious right now. It's...well, it's annoying. Surprsing, I know. Anyway, onto business.
Day 2 - Your first Paramore concert
I first saw Paramore in November of 2009. It was a warm fall day. I remember because I wore only a t-shirt and jeans to the show. It was in Minneapolis and I went with my two roommates and my then best friend. The drive was fun, but I was exhausted. You see, I worked that morning, 7-12, unloading truck. I was up late the night before, until around 3 or so. There was this girl. This way too awesome, way too funny, way too hypnotizing girl. We just talked, and talked, and talked. All night. It was awesome. I didn't sleep on the way to the concert. Minneapolis is at least a three hour drive, maybe four. I forget. Anyway, we got to the show and the opening bands, there were three of them I think, were just...well, annoying. One of them was pretty good, one was mediocre, and one was pretty terrible. It took way too long for Paramore to get on stage. But when they did, they lit that shit up. It was totally awesome. Honestly one of the best shows I've ever been to. (Only, seeing them on the Honda Civic Tour last summer was roughly 200 times better. That show ruled my world.) The thing I remember most about the Minneapolis show is that they played I Caught Myself. And I smiled a lot because of that aforementioned girl. I spent most of the concert wishing she would have been there with me. Which is silly. But I was totally enamored with her already, even though we had just met. She has that kind of affect on most people, I think. I remember her texting me after the show, and just being happy about life. I fell asleep on the way back, totally content with life and Paramore and everything. It was good until the two in the backseat got all bitchy with us in the front. Oh well. All three of them are irrelevant now. Not that girl though, she's still totally relevant. And so is Paramore. Good things man, good things.
Anyway, as much as I'm sure that no one wants to hear me gush about lame stuff for three pages...wait, does that sentence make any sense?
...
...
..
.
Yeah, no, it doesn't. But anyway, I'm going to go to bed I think. I don't have much to blog about, and to be honest, well, okay, maybe I like gushing but it's dumb and I'm self-concious.
Or I could talk about my weird ass dreams....hmm. Next time.
Next time.
[Insert snarky comment-challenge here. As in 'yeah, spam this blog!' or 'yeah, comment on that!' or 'YOUR FACE']
My cats are being super obnoxious right now. It's...well, it's annoying. Surprsing, I know. Anyway, onto business.
Day 2 - Your first Paramore concert
I first saw Paramore in November of 2009. It was a warm fall day. I remember because I wore only a t-shirt and jeans to the show. It was in Minneapolis and I went with my two roommates and my then best friend. The drive was fun, but I was exhausted. You see, I worked that morning, 7-12, unloading truck. I was up late the night before, until around 3 or so. There was this girl. This way too awesome, way too funny, way too hypnotizing girl. We just talked, and talked, and talked. All night. It was awesome. I didn't sleep on the way to the concert. Minneapolis is at least a three hour drive, maybe four. I forget. Anyway, we got to the show and the opening bands, there were three of them I think, were just...well, annoying. One of them was pretty good, one was mediocre, and one was pretty terrible. It took way too long for Paramore to get on stage. But when they did, they lit that shit up. It was totally awesome. Honestly one of the best shows I've ever been to. (Only, seeing them on the Honda Civic Tour last summer was roughly 200 times better. That show ruled my world.) The thing I remember most about the Minneapolis show is that they played I Caught Myself. And I smiled a lot because of that aforementioned girl. I spent most of the concert wishing she would have been there with me. Which is silly. But I was totally enamored with her already, even though we had just met. She has that kind of affect on most people, I think. I remember her texting me after the show, and just being happy about life. I fell asleep on the way back, totally content with life and Paramore and everything. It was good until the two in the backseat got all bitchy with us in the front. Oh well. All three of them are irrelevant now. Not that girl though, she's still totally relevant. And so is Paramore. Good things man, good things.
Anyway, as much as I'm sure that no one wants to hear me gush about lame stuff for three pages...wait, does that sentence make any sense?
...
...
..
.
Yeah, no, it doesn't. But anyway, I'm going to go to bed I think. I don't have much to blog about, and to be honest, well, okay, maybe I like gushing but it's dumb and I'm self-concious.
Or I could talk about my weird ass dreams....hmm. Next time.
Next time.
[Insert snarky comment-challenge here. As in 'yeah, spam this blog!' or 'yeah, comment on that!' or 'YOUR FACE']
Monday, April 4, 2011
Yelling Bird is the softest bird. Also rape-iest
Because I was bored, and because I got 1-uped into blogging tonight, I decided to find as many of those "30 day challenges" that I could. I found a Paramore one. So...that's cool.
Day 1 - Your favourite Paramore album
This is a hard question because each official studio record means something else to me on any day. But, if I had to pick one, I'd pick Brand New Eyes. And here's why. The opening track, Careful, is the main reason why I'm sitting in the exact situation I'm in right now. If I hadn't had had Careful to connect to, I wouldn't have worked up the nerve to talk to Emily. "You can't be too careful anymore/when all that is waiting for you/won't come any closer/you've got to reach out a little more". It just spoke to me. I always noted that Careful told me to pursue Emily, Brick by Boring Brick cautioned me to not let love blind me, and The Only Exception told the story of that love I should caution. It sounds contradictory, I know. But it wasn't. I still listen to that album because it just speaks to me moreso than most other albums. No matter if I'm happy, sad, emo, apathetic...I can always feel emotion in that album. I can always relate it to something and be mostly happy about it. I have an emotional connection with the album that I don't have with the others, if nothing else because of timing. But, you know, things happen a certian way cos they're supposed to, sometimes.
I can't promise I'll stick to Paramore. There's some other neat ones. Top fives and the picture challenge (that I won't do cos I'm a hipster....or will I?) and some other neat stuff. I just needed a catalyst for today's post. I was thinking of doing one of those "random facts" posts where I just list 295823498 different random things about me. Buuuut I didn't. And, based on my audience, there wouldn't be a whole lot of point. There's no point telling someone something they already know. Espcially if it's a lot of somethings. I do appreciate the comments though...hmm.
Okay, okay. One fun fact of the day.
-I'm currently listening to country in my car.
Hey, you might not think that's a very good fact, but it is. My speakers play Seether, Paramore, and rokk stuff. I am hardcore.
Sometimes.
I guess I don't have much to say at the moment. I wasn't planning on blogging tonight. And I can't just make stuff up cos I'm pretty happy lately. Life's pretty fucking good. It's not perfect, but...eh. It's the best it will get. And I'm okay with that.
Well, I can't get to a point where I can type and my shoulder blade doesn't hurt (it's weird) so I'm going to give up now. Next time I'll have a better post.
Day 1 - Your favourite Paramore album
This is a hard question because each official studio record means something else to me on any day. But, if I had to pick one, I'd pick Brand New Eyes. And here's why. The opening track, Careful, is the main reason why I'm sitting in the exact situation I'm in right now. If I hadn't had had Careful to connect to, I wouldn't have worked up the nerve to talk to Emily. "You can't be too careful anymore/when all that is waiting for you/won't come any closer/you've got to reach out a little more". It just spoke to me. I always noted that Careful told me to pursue Emily, Brick by Boring Brick cautioned me to not let love blind me, and The Only Exception told the story of that love I should caution. It sounds contradictory, I know. But it wasn't. I still listen to that album because it just speaks to me moreso than most other albums. No matter if I'm happy, sad, emo, apathetic...I can always feel emotion in that album. I can always relate it to something and be mostly happy about it. I have an emotional connection with the album that I don't have with the others, if nothing else because of timing. But, you know, things happen a certian way cos they're supposed to, sometimes.
I can't promise I'll stick to Paramore. There's some other neat ones. Top fives and the picture challenge (that I won't do cos I'm a hipster....or will I?) and some other neat stuff. I just needed a catalyst for today's post. I was thinking of doing one of those "random facts" posts where I just list 295823498 different random things about me. Buuuut I didn't. And, based on my audience, there wouldn't be a whole lot of point. There's no point telling someone something they already know. Espcially if it's a lot of somethings. I do appreciate the comments though...hmm.
Okay, okay. One fun fact of the day.
-I'm currently listening to country in my car.
Hey, you might not think that's a very good fact, but it is. My speakers play Seether, Paramore, and rokk stuff. I am hardcore.
Sometimes.
I guess I don't have much to say at the moment. I wasn't planning on blogging tonight. And I can't just make stuff up cos I'm pretty happy lately. Life's pretty fucking good. It's not perfect, but...eh. It's the best it will get. And I'm okay with that.
Well, I can't get to a point where I can type and my shoulder blade doesn't hurt (it's weird) so I'm going to give up now. Next time I'll have a better post.
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