What the fuck did I just write?

I went for a long drive today. Lots of stuff on my mind, you see. Which happens sometimes. The problem is that right now, away from the safety of nature, away from music so loud I can't possibly try to think...it all comes back. At the same time. And in the swirling whirlwind of thoughts that are constantly thrashing within my mind, it's sometimes hard to pick out just one and exploit it.

I really wanted to write a poem here. I think that last sentence was my attempt at doing so. I'm going to keep trying.

As I drove past the calm Wisconsin river, my mind altered it's path. I was empty, alone, confused, hurt...and finally calm. Underneath the green canopy of trees, the sunlight streaming gently through the leaves and touching and quiet lawns of a beautiful sunny day, I felt calm. I'm not sure why. I didn't feel right. I could still feel turmoil rumbling inside of me, but I felt calm.

I can't explain it. I don't know. I don't know much right now.

I once wrote a poem that I called "numbness and emotion". I know, the idea of being numb and full of emotion seems counter-intuitive. But think about it for a second. Think for a second that when things happen, you immediately numb yourself to them. (Something I used to be so good at, something I'm getting better at again. Something that I'm not sure if I'm proud of. More on that later.) If you're numb, it doesn't hurt. You walk around amongst friends and smile, laugh, drink, have fun. But really think about that. When everyone is gone, when you're alone in your thoughts, staring up at a dark ceiling with nothing but the dull hum of a fan to break the deafening silence...what's there? Are you still numb? To an extent...if you're good. But really dig deep, you're not just numb. The inside of your mind is a hurricane of pain that you're experiencing only a fraction at a time. It's the dull roar in the back of your head that keeps you staring into the darkness, wishing that something good would happen. That part of you that wishes that all the hurt, all the pain would go away, that's the emotion. It's always there. You can numb it on the outside, you can make it so you're not clutching your chest, wishing that empty, dead feeling would go away. You're not numb at all, you're feeling every bit of pain that's trapped inside of you.

It's so hard to explain. And I guess I'm doing a terrible job of it because I can't quite gather my thoughts. I think i'm also distracted because it's hot, because I'm tired, because there's a blonde girl that confuses the holy shit out of me. Internet, does a girl typically ask to "snuggle" with someone she isn't at least somewhat interested in? Does she constantly make remarks like "I wish you were here!" and "I miss you!" and then there was the playful indecision as to whether or not she would "swing that way". There was something off about it but I'm too lazy to type the transcript.

ANYWAY.

So I'm numbing myself again. I think. I'm not sure. For awhile I was freely talking to people when I was upset and sorting it out and then it was done. Now I'm hiding behind the biggest smile, the heartiest laugh, the smartest zingers. It all falls back to me feeling like I'm being annoying and bothering people. I guess I feel like I'm getting liberated from this self-inflicted prison, but slowly.

I have to stop here. I have no idea what I'm saying and I think I just need to come back when I'm more focused. Until next time.
[boom.]