Today I feel empty, paranoid, and almost sick. I've let my imagination run wild and now I'm sitting here on a body-warmed couch doing my best to remind myself that it's all in my head. It all started last night when I woke up at midnight and proceeded to try to convince myself that, no, no one was trying to break into the house. At one point I even got up and turned the lights on. I don't know what my problem was. Every little noise just drove me nuts. Especially because I have two cats that galavant around.
I don't know what my problem is. I guess I just lost confidence. Saturday I had all the confidence in the world. I knew everything was going well and it was right and (almost) the way I wanted it. I felt strong. I felt like things might just work for me yet. And then I had a pretty good night with some friends and a bonfire and drank enough rum for me to not stand properly. For just one night I was able to pretend that I was okay. And it was nice. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling that having fun would further alienate me from the most important person in my life.
But for some reason, today, I can't do it. It's another day when I desperately need reassurance but for the sake of not being annoying and frustrating, I'm trying to resist.
I don't know. Eventually it should pass. Until then, I think it's going back to just sleeping and working. I don't know. Blah.
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