Skyrim

Yeah, that game really is as consuming as they say. I thought I had been playing it for an hour or so. I logged 5.

Shit.

Anyway. Down to the real reason I'm doing this post. Yesterday, I broke down and read this fanfic that apparently everyone on DeviantArt has a boner over. It's called My Little Dashie and apparently it's supposed to be REALLY sad. I was pretty unhappy last night. I have three layers of sad/upset/whatever.

One: Distraction (Truth, PS3, Youtube, ect ect)
Two: Suppression/Alcoholism (Though, the latter could be filed under category one as well.)
Three: Masochism (Surprising, I know.)

Last night, I was feeling pretty emotionally masochistic. What exactly does that mean, you ask? It means that for some reason I'm sad/unhappy/upset/angry/whatever and instead of just dealing with it or doing something grown up, I just wallow in an abyss of self pity and try to make myself feel as awful as I can. Why? Because fuck you (me) that's why.

Last night was one of those nights. I didn't have time to get drunk since I worked early. I didn't have the motivation to work on Truth. So that more or less left me to either wallow in the sadness or try to just get it over with. You know, cos sometimes you just need to cry. Well, not you blog. I know you don't cry. Anyway, I decided, "fuck, if people say this is a sad story, might as well read it now." (I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I've done something like this).

Now, when people say a story/movie/song is sad, I believe them. When people say I might cry, I believe them because I am kind of a baby sometimes. When people say I "might shed a tear" I take that as a sign that it's sad but not super sad. Like, 'oh no the animals are lost in a foreign city' but not 'oh no one of them got hit by a truck *sob*'...

I haven't cried that hard in seven months.

WAT.

I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was my mood, if it was the plot, if it was the writing... I don't know. But I cried a lot. And that's weird to me. A lot of times if I cry during a movie (take Rent for example) it's like, yeah, sure, I'm crying and shit but it's mostly just the tears streaming down the face. This was full on stuffy nose, breathing funny, headachey crying. I don't even know. I want to try to read it again when I'm in a better mood and see what effect it has on me. I think it's just weird because I don't think a piece of literature/cinema/music has ever done THAT to me. At least, it hasn't done that to me without me already crying in the first place. Like, usually, it's a I'm crying because of X and then I hear song by Y that reminds me of X and there go the water works again.

I could try to read it again now, since I've been good tonight.

Then again, I just took an arrow to the knee.
[boom]