The Soapbox gets it's turn

Okay, let's try a little sum sum.

I'm disappointed in pretty much everyone I know. I can think of...let's see, my girlfriend, a coworker, my buddy and his girlfriend...that I'm -not- disappointed in.

Two of my coworkers are having affairs. No, four. Four people in a 20-something staffed store. Plus one of my friends is cheating on her boyfriend. That's kind of a lot. I don't get it. One of my coworkers said to me the other day "Life's better when you're being unfaithful."

She said that about one of the guy's that's allegedly being unfaithful to his wife (that he's been married to for barely a year.) She's also been more or less cheating on her husband for a good...oh, I don't know, 3 years. This time, though, she's got a "real" boyfriend. She's called him her boyfriend.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Have they lost their minds? I can't believe anyone would utter that sentence. And I think the reason it's got me so frustrated is because she wasn't just kidding when she said it. She was at least half serious. Between these two and the skanks that are also working with me, I can't...I just have a new appreciation for fucking hating that place. I hate it so much, it makes my blood boil. I need to get out of there. Fuck the money, fuck these 'friends' i have there. I don't care. I never cared. On a basis of morals alone (morals, which I might add, I believe most people just HAVE. But apparently I was wrong about that.), I can't be around these people.

Sometimes, I have a really hard time stomaching people who cheat. People who have cheated. The thing that gets me is that they don't -care-. They don't seem to give a shit about anyone but them. Look out for number one right? Maybe if there was some hint of remorse, some...some glimmer that they actually were consious of what was happening...no, no that would make it worse. Because they they would realize how shitty of a person they were, and they still wouldn't care. Because, shit, they're getting laid twice over. Life's better when you're unfaithful. Give me a fucking break. Go fuck yourself. Honestly. Don't say that to me, not once not ever. If I ever cheated on my lady, I would loathe the very being I was. If I felt that I needed to cheat on her to be happy, I think I would do some serious re-evaluating of our relationship before I just went on my merry way and fucked someone else.

Maybe these situations don't disappoint me. Maybe they burn my ass like getting throw into a firepit. That's fine though, because the more of those people I hate, the easier it is to leave. And goddamn fuck that place. Fuck my boss, fuck my coworkers (most of them), and fuck all the immoral bastards that have all of a sudden sprung fourth from their slumber to turn the world into a more incredibly unsable and disgusting place for all those that inhabit it.

And am I the pinnicale of morals and virtue? Am I some shimmering angel with a halo and soft, beautiful music that plays when I approach? No. I'm not. And I never will be. But what I am getting at is that...for fuck's sake, have some general compassion and give-a-shit about your fellow beings. Your fucking husbands and wives. You remember, the people you promised to love and hold through rich and poor til death do you part? The person that, and one point, you were so in love with that you wanted to be with them for the rest of your life, have a house and maybe some kids? Build a fucking future around? Seriously. If you want to get out, get out. If you want to sleep with whoever you want, then go. Who cares who you sleep with...if you're not married.

I just....it drives me nuts right now. Maybe it's because I'm balls ass tired. Maybe it's because there's a deep stream of paranoia that's always splashing up against the boulders in my mind. Maybe that's why I'm getting so worked up about it.


And the thing is, I'm not all that worked up about it. I'm just disappointed in these people. They're supposed to be better than that. I had more faith in them. But I guess that's why they call it unfaithful. They don't deserve my faith and, apparently, they never did.

There are more. I'm disappointed in my friends because they never call. Promises fall to the side of the road like a peice of trash. It's unimportant. I realize working at 2am has it's downfalls for my social life, but it would be nice to know that my friends care about me too. Not just the special one that everyone loves more than me. He's the glimmering statue of a person. I'm his shadow. And it sucks because I don't resent him. I've always been in his shadow. Everyone loves him and, hey I'm always there and I don't totally suck so why not. But whatever. I've lived almost 22 years of my life on my own. I don't need anyone.

That's a goddamn lie.

Then there's the blonde angel of death and distruction. Obliterating (hey, remember that word?) everything in her path. Then building it up and tearing it all down again because, why the fuck not.

Hey, in case I never get to say this because you decide when we are and aren't talking...fuck you. Yeah, no really. You've been a thorn in my side for the last 3 years, ever since we broke up (which you finally admit to because someone made you.) Ever since my lady and I became who we are now, you've been nothing but a bitch to me and to her. And you know what, I've realized something (which she will no doubt get blamed for). You've always been a self-centered, condescending, controlling, manical, self-rightious little princess. You try not to be. You try so hard because you care so much what other people think. But you are, you can't escape it. But you're putting in a noble effort in trying.

*sigh* I'm not as mad as I sound. I'm disappionted in the world. And you're so easy to take it out on because you're the Ice Queen for a reason and, hey, what did I fuck up this week. You wonder why I get so defensive around you. Think about it. You're intelligent, I wish I could say you were a fucking moron, but you're not. You're smarter than most of the people I know. Maybe that's why you come off so condescending half the time.

I just want life to be simple. Remember that? Remember when I was like, 17 and life was good and simple? That sucked. I'm generally happier now because of where I am, and who I am. I've fought to becomes someone good. Someone worth knowing, someone worth wasting time on and liking. Maybe that's why The Lady has wasted so many months on me already. I don't know. Maybe people aren't lying to me. Maybe I don't suck.

So is this a list of disappointments or a fuck you letter or a break down a realize who you are blog? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. No one's going to read this. The Lady probably doens't even check this anymore.

Because, you know, I always commit. Which is funny, since I'm supposed to be so loyal.

I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry I'm disappointed in all of you. Mostly, I'm sorry you all gave me something to be disappointed about.

Goodnight.