I'm right where I should be, don't try to fix me

[^Lyrics by 10 Years. "Fix Me"]


I had an idea driving home from Milwaukee last night. I was going to blog about different things I took away from my relationships. What did I learn, who did I become, how am I different? Part of me wants to throw this idea out of the window. But, eh. I might as well. The part of me that doesn't want to do it, is the part of me that was crabby when I got to work today. It's the part of me that immediately blamed one of my roommates when I found my dog locked in the bathroom. It's the more cynical part of me that thinks the whole idea is retarded. Oh well. Fuck that guy, fuck 'em right in the ear.

First of all, I was 14 the first time I was in a relationship, and, subsequently, the first time I had sex. It's a little disappointing really. But I digress. My relationship with April was...well, it was gross. I was part of "that" couple. You know, both kind of gross and trashy? That was us. I was a gangsta g and she was just a trashy slut. She was dumb too. Like, no, seriously, she was dumber than a bag of inbred hammers. I swear to christ. So, firstly, from her, I learned that I like girls that are at least somewhat intelligent. I formed a more honed in opinion of the girl that I want to be with in the long run. The smart, funny, attentive, non-phsyco (by the way, I'm so bad at spelling that word, spell check can't even figure out what the fuck I'm talking about) girlfriend.

What I really learned from April is that I can do better. We were dysfunctional. I couldn't trust her. She taught me what to look for in a girl by being the completely wrong girl for me. The first time we broke up, she got a new girlfriend and tried to make me the other girl. What is that I don't even...She taught me that the world doesn't stop at 15, especially for love or, rather, "love". She taught me that I needed to be more open minded and look around...for the right girl. She taught me not to be who I was when I was 14. A little shady, a little gangster, a lot powerless in my relationship. Thanks to her, I realized that I can't completely give the power to the woman in my life. It's not healthy. Also, it causes drama. I hate fighting with people, I hate relationship drama (not like, legit problems, though I wouldn't say I like those. I'm talking about stupid shit you'd expect a crazy, attention-starved 15 year old to start).

I broke up with April cos I was sick of her shit. But I was single for all of one month before I realized the real reason I broke up with her. I was in love with someone else. At least, I think I was. I'm pretty sure I was. Anyway, then there was the first of a string of heterosexual females that would eventually take over my life. Rora was the complete opposite of April. She was super intelligent, full of life, funny, we had similar interests...and she was independent. And, to an extent, I think that's what killed us. She was TOO independent. Anything I said was brought back to some psuedo-feminist bullshit logic debate that I didn't want to start. I wasn't trying to oppress her, I wasn't trying to argue or take away her rights. Sometimes I wanted to do things my way, and that wasn't good for her. I realize, now, that I entered a completely Rora-dominated relationship. I remember good times, staying up way too late on the phone and having fun. Thinking about intimate things makes me feel awkward. Not like, oh man that's my ex...but more like "ugh what is this I don't even..." Apparently, I just don't like thinking about it. So I won't.

My friendship and relationship with Rora made me into more of the person I am today. She formed a lot of my musical tastes, made me into a thinker. Made me think that if I don't say "i'm sorry" to bad news or probe someone for what's wrong with them, what's on their mind, i'm a bad friend. She made me feel guilty for not particularly thinking anything, especially not thinking about her. To an extent, she gave me a complex. Not that I didn't already think a lot, but I think she made it run deeper, made my soul bleed for thoughts and guilt. It was like becoming a catholic all over again.

I think, most of all, she made me realize that if I have a different opinion of something than someone else, I'm going to be judged for it. If it differs, I'm weird and wrong and being judged. Many a band have fallen to my wayside because they were deemed unworthy of music. I didn't realize music was so objective. She made me see that. She made me hide in my shell, afraid to really say what I'm thinking. I conformed. If she said I'd like something, then I did. If she said I wouldn't, I'd never get the chance to give it a chance. That's how it worked. I realize now that I was dealing with a control freak. Everything had to be within her grasp. She had to be the mastermind. I quit smoking for her. I didn't drink often. I didn't swear unless I was angry. My grammer and typing improved (not a bad thing). I stopped listening to Fallout Boy and Avril Lavinge and would have never touched a T.Swift cd because she's wrong. They're wrong and they suck and that's that.

When Rora left me, I almost self-destructed. I've talked to people who knew me during and learned that people were worried. I look back on the three years, yes, three years that she kept me on a just-the-right-length-leash and see that I was a walking zombie. I didn't care. I tried somewhat to get into dating again, but got burned each time. Who was there to pick up the peices? Who was there to show me that she had moved on but could still pencil me in? Who gave me a complex that I carry to this day with Emily? Rora was. Someday, her power-hunger, ego-maniacal possiveness and inability to concede to incorrectness will be the death of her. Make no mistake, I don't wish harm upon her...not anymore. Not that I could until I was liberated, that is. It's hard to hate someone that keeps you so close, yet so far away. Even when you get kicked out of your own dorm for your 18th birthday. Even when all of your birthday's get destroyed in the war path. Even then, it's hard to escape the leash.

The girls between Rora and Emily aren't important enough to denote here. Emily is the important one. And I know that that very sentence makes her cringe. Maybe she should skip on ahead. Maybe, just maybe, she shouldn't read this at all... Emily was a breath of fresh air in the smog that was the grip of Rora. She was so unbelieveably perfect it's hard to stomach. My ideal girl? Not some bleach blonde whore with herpes and the education of a 5th grader. This was a girl from a small town, very quiet and shy. This was a girl that was sheilded off from love, from people, from everything, but a girl I was drawn to nonetheless. This is a girl that didn't discourage me from smoking or drinking or staying up late and sleeping in until noon (that was also looked down upon by Rora). This was a girl who's daddy didn't buy her everything and hand it to her. This was a girl that was down to earth and humble, yet confidant (to an extent). This is a girl who could brought out the best of me. When I look into her eyes, I hold two things to be self-evident. Number one is that if she is speaking, she is not lying to me. Number two is that if I am speaking, I am not hiding from her. She's the first and only person to kick down the door and tell me "hey...be who you are. Fuck everyone else." This is a girl who sometimes doesn't shower or put on deoterant cos she's lazy. This is a girl who is pretty messy sometimes, and considering how clean I am, I don't care. This is a girl who really was like me. A girl who I believe loved me, and to an extent, still does. (Don't misconstrue that statement, please. There are different levels of love. I don't mean to say anything of a relationship sort. That's not the implication).

From Emily, I learned who I really want in my life. Both in a girlfriend and a friend. I don't need someone to tell me what I like, what I want. I need someone that will listen to me cry at 3 in the morning when I'm being irrational and scared because of a complex that was bestowed upon me. I need a girl with a kind smile and a good head on her shoulders to set me straight, but be gentle. I need a girl that won't judge me, about anything really. I need someone I can be myself around, completely and totally. Someone I can trust, even when I'm being irrational and am convinced that she hates me and wants to be away from me as much as possible. Even when I'm sure she's hiding things...I just have to remember what's real, and what's in my head. I have the best, most understanding, intelligent, fucking hilarious, most stubborn, youngest, enabling, most awesome, and, quite frankly, most beautiful (inside and out), best friend ever. And the rest of you can suck it.

Well. Those are some paragraphs! Wow, didn't think I had that much talking in me. And be forewarned that this is edited. I had lots more to say. TL;DR let's review.
From April, I got sensability and standards.
From Rora, I got uptightness and a complex about trust and people abandoning me.
From Emily, I got freedom.

Here is where I put a witty follow up. Here is where I write something sweet and heartfelt about Emily. Maybe put some hint that will prompt her to leave a comment or chat with me about it IRL. Something that will attempt to get her attention. Here's the poor me sentence. Here is where I bid you adieu because I am goddamn tired. Good night.

[And here is where I ask...is it illegal to say that I miss your face? Is that something I can't do? Because I do.]