Pain so familiar and close to the heart

[^Lyrics from Without You by Breaking Ben]

Why is it that sometimes it feels like my entire world is falling apart, for no good reason at all. It's not like anything even happened. It's just the same paranoia that creeps back into my mind. The same paranoia that I joked about just today. Why? Why does it keep coming back? It's not fair. I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to have fun with my friends and keep every one happy and not ruin anything. I thought I was doing a good job.

So why do I feel like there are tears welling behind my eyes? Why is there a feeling in the pit of my stomache that just tells me how ready I am to break down? I hate it. I want it to stop. I'm trying to think happy thoughts, read funny things, see happy pictures. It's just sliding off to the side like it doesn't matter. It's hitting me, making a valid attempt at life, and then falling to the wayside.

Just...just fucking smile. Once. Just once. Think. Think of you're favorite people and how much fun you have with your new social life.

The sad thing is...pysching myself up like that just makes me more sad because I'm an egotisical jerk. I can't even validate that claim. It just sounded like a good thing to say. I am kind of egotiscical though. Sometimes. That first sentence doesn't even make sense, really. What I meant to say was that usually I fail at making myself happy, somehow. Sometimes, I just can't. I don't know how I make it worse, but I do. I think when it comes to that point, it's mostly just frustration because I feel sad in the first place.

I've got someone standing 10 feet away that would listen to all of this. So why am I moping here and typing all of this? Is it because I don't really know what's wrong with me? Mostly. Also, I ended up making an ass of myself a week or so ago and ended up drunk and crying at 3am. No one wants to deal with that. It was pretty clear that neither of us wanted to be dealing with it at that time. Alcohol is a depressant though. And that's my excuse.

There's always an excuse with me. Because, why wouldn't there be?

I think right now I'm frustrated because I thought I was past this. I thought I was past hiding so I could bitch and moan to myself. I just want to know the trigger. Maybe I can figure it out. Let's see.

1. I still can't tell if I'm rebounding on my other lady friend or not. Somedays I feel like I need to see her and talk to her, some days I wish I would have never started talking to her at all. Am I rebounding or do I like her? That is the question. Maybe the greater question is...does she like me like they say, or are they all wrong? That's almost as frustrating. I still don't think there's enough evidence to think she likes me, but then again, I refused to believe Emily liked me until after there was overwhelming evidence to prove it. I think I didn't believe it until like..maybe a week before we got together. Maybe.

2. There's a reason why I think she's a rebound. I'm still in love with someone else. Sometimes, everything is 100% okay. I mean, I'm never thrilled that we're not together, but lately it doesn't hurt as much. Not to be confused to me getting over her/falling out of love with her. Other times, I'm paranoid of her every move. Does she resent me? Is there someone else? Does she still trust me and want to talk to me? Am I being too overbearing? Should I go away so she can have time alone? There are just so many questions falling into my paranoia. I am proud though that I've been able to answer those questions on some days [no, not last time I asked, yes, maybe!, depends how overbearing I'm being].

3. I hate my job and wish that I didn't work at 2am on the weekends. I mean, thank god it's only 2 days a week...but it still hinders my social life (which is budding lately. People want to hang out with me..?) Also, I work with the lady from #1 at least once a week so that's...interesting. Hello sexual tension.

4. I naturally hate myself and apparently am masochistic enough to wish to be miserable. I really need to stop that.

5. I hate winter and, moreso than anything else, snow. I want spring. Late winter depression? Not likely, but still. Cabin fever and all that.

Okay, now I'm just fishing. I don't know. I've never known. I just want to know so I can fix it. I'm tired of being in "one of those moods". I'm tired of having to apologize for stupid tear-stained conversations that come out of nowhere. I'm just tired of doing this. I just want to be normal.