Boredom

You know when you're talking to a friend, and your friend says something pretty innocent, but it kind of upsets you anyway? Like a lot? That happened to me today. It was a combination of me being really, really, really bored and lazy. Here's the problem. There's a certain stage of bored, for me, wherein I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to be entertained mindlessly. It's kind of like when I'm at work and it's been so slow for so long that I don't even want it to be busy anymore because I don't care.

But I digress. He didn't say anything malicious or mean or anything. We were just commenting on Bob's Burgers and Family Guy online. And then...it's just one of those subjects that I try to push out of my mind. Not because it's bad, but because I'm trying so fucking hard to be less self-loathing and trying to not have a shitty day every day. It's one of those battles that I know I'll loose in my head, so I ignore it because I know it's NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. He was just asking questions. And I, being bored and falling into a self-hating slump for the day, started to get upset.

Not at him. A lot at me because I knew I was being irrational. I know...I know a lot of things. When I can think about my life in a rational, logical way, I know what's what and how things are. When I'm bored and loney and dying for attention (I hate typing that sentence. So. Much.) then everything gets to me. Just steamrolls me like I've never tried to be happy ever.

It's frustrating. I hate crying. I never used to cry. I miss being numb. I miss being able to pretend. I could fake out anyone, anytime. I could be upset as hell but I could fool them all. I miss that. Everyone misses that. No one wants to deal with me all the time.

"Things like this aren't getting better."

They're not. That quote is not meant to coinside with my no one wants to deal with me rant. It's a point, though. Things aren't getting better. But I'm trying to make them better. It's hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I wish I could just make it better. And, admitedly, I wasn't trying before. I have a tendancy to let things destroy me. I like it that way. I deserve it that way.

But I'm not about to completely loose the most important person in my life by way of killing myself (figuratively). So, if that's what it takes. I'll work on it. When I get money, I'll look to outside help. I'll do anything I can. I've always been willing to do anything I can for her. That won't stop now. That won't stop ever.

It is nice to know, though, that I'm still important to her. That's a constant struggle in my brain. It makes me smile and sometimes running through that sentence she said to me is enough to get me through a rough patch. It's also convinient because I like to believe that she is incapable of lying to me (I kind of have proof of that. As far as I know, she's a bloody terrible liar.)

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm just sick of drowning in my sorrows all the time. I'm sick of burdening my friends with aforementioned drowning. I would get sick of me too, legit. I can't and won't sit back and loose the best friend I've ever had.

In the words of the late, great Owen Hart, "enough is enough, and it's time for a change."