But I'm innocent, love is the motive, that's why you're killing 'em

Title thanks to Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere. Which is a song I haven't heard in a really long time but is really fucking good still. (Thank god for the internet.)

Good night!














Alright, alright. Time for a real blog. Engage.

I've been really down lately. Why? Stupid reasons, that's why. It's stupid because I hate crying, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and most importantly I hate putting others in a position of "well shit what do I do/say now?". I don't want to be that person, I don't want to go crying to someone else all the time (well...okay, so maybe sometimes I want a shoulder to cry on both literally and figuratively. Sometimes I want to be told that everything's okay.)

I guess things are just changing and it seems like it's almost rapid, yet I don't have any answers at all...nor do I want them, in some cases. For instance, this summer is a huge conundrum that no one really has the answers to. I know how I want it to go, I know who I want here with me for the summer in our house. But, unfortunately, I can't stop things from running their natural course. And I hate it. Here's where the shitty part comes in. I need to know whats going on because if I'm not going to have a permanant roommmate for the summer, I need to let my back up know. Then again, I don't want to think about it. I don't want anyone to say anything about it. I want to pretend that it's not really happening because I can't handle it. I can't. I just can't.

And why is that? Because I'm weak. I don't mean that as a shot at me, I just mean that I can't last without my main support. I did it over December and Janurary and by god if it wasn't the most difficult-to-get-through month that I've had in years. I'm not strong enough to do it. I hate that I've become so dependant, and I'm sure she does too, but there's nothing I can do right now. I'm stuck in a place of not wanting it to hurt/feeling like everything is almost perfect/not wanting to move on even a little bit. I know I'm going to sound like a 15 year old here but I don't want to move on because I feel like anyone else is just going to let me down. What we had was awesomely amazing and even flawed, but that made it right. No one else can touch that. So why should I look? I don't want to. So I'm going to sit and secretly (or not so) wish that everything would be "right" again.

Aaaaand shifting gears for a moment, lets talk about girls (c wut I did thar?). So, when I feel like one is mad at me, I focus on the other to ease the pain. It's like having a crack withdrawl and shooting vodka because I can't get any coke. So, the problem with the vodka is that when I turn to it as a method of pain release, it seems to work too well. It's like the vodka likes when I use it a little too much and that's weird because vodka's lover orange juice is no stranger to me.

Okay, substance metaphor is getting weird and awkward to use. Anyway. I feel like there's this weird thing between me and her but at the same time, I feel like it's just two people hanging out. Perhaps, like most things in my life, I'm reading WAY too much into individial actions and not looking at the big picture. The thing that scares me the most is that somehow I could end up being "the other woman". Laugh if you want, but it scares me that it's even a remotely viable option for this friendship. The single most frightening part about it...is I'm not sure I'd be able to say no. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the internet, is one of the top most terrifying and hopeless thoughts I've ever had.

Anyway. Enough about senarios that are only a problem in my head. (Like I said, I take individual actions and build whole stories on them because I read too much into things and don't take things at face value. That, I do believe, is Rora's fault and I'm trying my damnedest to knock it off. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar....okay, yes, but sometimes it's a penis.)

Maybe part of the reason that I have such a hard time dealing with Blake is because I AM a Blake. I feel hopeless, I'm clingy as all fuck, and I talk too much. Well, that does sound like me. I don't know. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to sit down and just...release the demons that haunt me and just fucking cry about it. But then I just don't. I end up just fuming about it, then I act cranky, then no one wants to talk to me, and finally I feel like a giant douche for the next few hours until I just let it go. (Because, apparently, I'm the only person in the world that can't just 'let it go'. I let it bother me because god forbid I'm not perfect and I should remind myself of this at every possible interval.)

And I'm so paranoid too. Every time there's a lot of typing, every time the phone goes off, every time anything happens at all. It's like everything is a goddamn conspiracy against me. But whhhhyyyy. Why does it have to be like this? It doesn't. And it needs to stop, for the benefit of everyone involved. Someday, I'll do things right.

Anyway. I've been at this for a good hour and it's to the point where my first point is now lost and I keep getting distracted. Let's end this on a good note.

-I am lucky enough to have first world problems
(I.E. Zune not working, Playstation malfunctioning, too many tvs in the house to use, phone being a massive peice of shit.)

-I have the best people around me
(I have the best best friend and everyone else can suck it. Oh, also she's pretty good looking too so everyone else can suck it twice. Also, I have majorly awesome other friends that deserve a shout out too. Suck it three times, you're out. Giggity.)

-I have a steady job.
(eeehhhh oohhh fine. I make good money.)

-I have awesome coworkers
(oh there's what I was looking for before.)

-I own my own house and have a working car
(And I like to think I have a great family, (yes, family, deal with it) within this house. And yes, that includes the pets.)

Boom.